… in the alone.

… in the alone life feels different.  Days of being surrounded, my parents came this week to be here and see the girls, my friends checked in on me and the girls have been around.  It has been busy, busy, busy… and then all of the sudden at about 4:30 everyone was gone.  It was just me and Sparky, and I am tired.  I could have left and found a diversion, but I kind of miss this spot.  I wanted to let a lot roll over me and hit me and make me think.  I need that often.

I took a bath and lit a lavender candle (my feet were so cold for the past couple of days)… I brought a book in and put on my ‘Mad’s’ playlist on my phone.  I just sat in the dark and listened and thought and let my feet get warm… I thought about missing Madeline, consequences of the crazy weekend, reflected on what has or hasn’t changed, thought about the 1/2 marathon I am signed up for (and wondered if I had that much in me)… I got out and dried off.  I sat for a while and prepped to go pick up some dinner and medicine.  I still wasn’t sure if I was going to stay home or go somewhere.  Now I am home getting ready for a movie and some quiet.  I am glad I picked to stay in my alone.  I didn’t feel lonely.  I felt like my brain had some quiet to do some work… and it needed to.

I am trying not to jump ahead and stay right here in this moment.  I need to.  I need to keep reminding myself.  I need to keep reminding me that there is a good side to come, a best.life.ever.  It is hard to move in this direction for me, to think that It might hurt Matt.  I am working on the letting go of that, and taking care of me.  Little by little… I will get there.  He has been very positive and not angry.  I have a lot of hope that things will look good when our legal things are set up…especially if I maintain my boundaries and safe.  I need to stay strong and bold.  (remind me of that often).  I need to take responsibility for the fallout and so does Matt.  I feel like for the first time in a long time he has.

What will I watch tonight?  I don’t know… but I better get some good sleep.  I pushed my brain to say Yes to the 1/2 after wavering (stress and weight loss aren’t great the week of a long race)… but I am in it now.  I will get to that finish line and probably keel over and crash.  I will get there though.  I will embrace the energy of those women and run and smile and listen to music and finish… I must.  I joke, but it is the truth, you can’t stop half way through and quit, you still have to get to finish line to get to the next part- friends, food and fun… SO wish me luck.  Send me some energy and confidence.

Have enjoyed tonight’s quiet.  I miss my girls, but feel glad they are with Matt.  I am going to watch a movie other than Frozen (maybe) and crash.  I will miss Amelia’s feet on me and her rolling over and grabbing my hand or just rubbing my skin, just to let me know it was on purpose that she touched me.  I will miss waking up to her messy hair, fingers in her mouth and stinky green blanket next to my nose smelling a lot like old spit and boogers I assume.  Alas, tomorrow night I will snuggle them and watch a movie… Then I will set out on an adventure.


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