Sometimes I am so involved and analytical of a situation that it eats me up. It feels like that right now. I am so tired and drained and sick of thinking/talking/thinking/analyzing that I am pooped. I think I am going to accept some things…
– That it isn’t all Matt. Some of it is my behaviors that have hurt him. Some of it is his behaviors that he followed up with or started with.
– That he hasn’t always been selfish… or if I didn’t think or rehash some of this maybe I wouldn’t see all of it… and need to always feel it. It is hard when there are a lot of people- retelling, sharing, talking… it becomes the life. Matt has had times that he has been understanding and positive. I need to sometimes rehash those for people too…
– I need to stop, sit, journal, think and process more… as opposed to thinking out loud. Sometimes I need to make those choices and sit in them and think about them… not react, act, talk… anything really. There are actions in my reactions that create a communication barrier. It is the truth that my loud and confrontational can put up the big barrier instantaneously in Matt- thereby negating a safe place for him to talk, share, etc. I need to slow down and not react… unless the react is love. That is true for all of my relationships. I get drawn into the instant gratification of life today. I get scared, sad, mad, etc and I call the person and expect pretty much an immediate fix. I think my future would be more positive and safe if I waited it out and thought or let it cool down.
– I need to SLOW DOWN. When I am angry I need to sit and think out my angry… not just pounce and vent. Sometimes venting is very necessary, other times it is better to just figure it out and not BAM it all out and create a partner to go with you into the mess. I need to take that mad and kind of categorize it and know what I am angry at and what is an add-on. Some things we need to let go, others we can share the anger about.
– I need to stay safe. I need to create an environment for Matt to be safe. To not feel like I am going to yell at him if he takes the girls to do something wicked amazing and cool… I need to be ok and happy about that. He needs to create those memories and I need to accept that my girls will have a life with me and a life without… far before I was ready for it. If we are working through mediation then it is important to maintain safe. I have promised, in my brain, to not retort in mad if Matthew has a valid need or point. I have also promised to work on my conflict management skill, if you want to call them that, and not reply with a BAM loud or defense so fast. Matt will put up a wall and we will get no where.
– I need to work on loving me more. I need to be more lifting to me. I need to change the direction of my builders… I have become the lady I hate “I like my skin, but it has pimples”… or “I love to run, but I am not fast”… honestly Erin. Get your shit together and love the crazy version of you that you are right now. I am not kind enough to myself. I will work on that. You can hold me accountable. I will check my brain and words when I talk about me, think about me or look at myself… and take away the ‘but’. I don’t know why I walk around this world wondering “why didn’t he like me?”… It isn’t me. Remind me of that often. VERY OFTEN. There is a part of me that loves me… and a part that doesn’t let me see the other part. Just like I believe Matt has a part of him that loves me and a part that is sooooo mad at me… I am encouraging him to find the side that likes me.. so we can come out of this on the other side.
– Stop going into the mode of Erin that thinks it all through and analyses and blogs and talks… Just go on with your day and let yourself stop thinking about it. Let it go. You get so deep sometimes I think the person you are analyzing needs a therapist to sort it out, understand it and claim it. I need to let it go…sit in it, don’t think about it… train your brain to redirect to something that is changeable, fixable, positive. In the end it will be better.
Work hard Erin… for your best.life.ever… whatever that looks like.