Running for her…

It’s strange… here I am surrounded and alone.  In the city that never sleeps and is always alive.  I walked out of the train station to the sun and this amazing spring day in NYC… and it’s been awesome.  The race expo for the MORE Magazine women’s half was so great- filled with products, women, happy, bright, excited and healthy.  It was great.  We headed out for lunch and a walk.

I love NYC, I love the energy and feelings and the people.  I love that you can walk and see the coolest strollers, the funkiest most well behaved dogs, fancy people, strange people, crazy cab drivers and a million other things.  There are creepy guys trying to sell illegal purses, carts of food that smell amazing and stories everywhere… it’s one of my favorite places to lose myself.  I especially love just wandering and not having places to be.  I am excited and nervous about the race.  I wish I had an inspired playlist but hope that people pick inspirations for my miles… and I can get through it all.

My BAM turning point came at lunch… we ate at this cool hip place, awesome food and interesting drinks… I  got to meet some of my friend’s friends that came to run or just visit.  It was nice.  Sitting at this table surrounded by people and talk and chatter and music and horns… and the inevitable question came.  “How many kids do you have?”  I instinctively answered 3 girls, Madeline, Amelia and Lucy.  No more… then felt the guilt of the answer.  I thought, is she going to find out in the conversation that our mutual friend is on the board of the foundation for Madeline, or will it come up… or will she find out later and think “I feel so bad for not knowing and asking.”  Generally that question isn’t a BAM for me anymore.  It just hit me today.  I guess this week I heavily feel this loss… It hit me hard to have to kind of add after she asked the ages… and I don’t know update her.  It definitely felt like a heavy moment for me and has made me kind of tired for the afternoon.  The conversation also went to marriage and how so many people just quit when they cant find the solution.  At a table filled with women, two of whom I just met, my entire list of hard stuff was exposed or talked about.  I often feel like a failure in my marriage.  I don’t know if it could have ever lasted but it feels like we just quit.  I hate quitting.  I hate feeling that this is all going into different directions… I know it will, I am mentally preparing for it… but it doesn’t make me like it or feel easy about it.

I know it will all look different soon, what is soon?  I don’t know.  I just cant wait until this all doesn’t hurt so much.  I usually have my shit pulled together more… I feel loopy and messy lately… I usually have that question answered and my brain is good with how I answered it… I usually don’t sit at a table and hear people talk about marriage and making it work… I hope tomorrow I sit at a table and talk victory…

I hope tomorrow I am proud of me… I will finish… I will.  I will run this race and think of all the ones who can not do it.  I wonder how many half or whole marathons Madeline would run, or would she be on the swim team… would she want to do 4h and leadership clubs… or would she be a cheerleader… who knows.  I will run, love, breathe, find, cry, sing, play and live for her…


One thought on “Running for her…

  1. Erin,
    I wish you strength and endurance. May read like I am speaking abut your run tomorrow, but it’s a two-fold message. Tomorrow I wish you the strength and endurance to finish and know your little Maddie will be letting you borrow her wings and whispering that you are also faster than a cheetah. More importantly I wish you strength and endurance for the days, months, lifetime ahead. I wish I knew you better. I wish I had the exact right words to help you. What I do have is the ability to lift the burden by having someone to talk to, lean on, yell at, or just cry with. Yes, I said with. I sit here wearing my shirt from the first Maddie’s Mark 5k, and I can’t help but feel what must be a trivial amount of your pain, and I find myself with tears in my eyes. Hugs to you, and prayers always.


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