Another ‘done’…


Small and Insignificant.  A box of Pedialyte Powder Packs.  All Done.

I remember buying this box of Pedialyte when Madeline had one of her ‘sick in the middle of the night episodes’.  She was fine all day, but I wanted to make sure she wasn’t dehydrated.  I decided to buy this box of packets so I didn’t have to waste a half a bottle every time she or one of the girls needed it.  I remember thinking it was pretty darn expensive, then heading home and making Madeline a water bottle with a packet in it.  I told her to drink slow, don’t guzzle.  Do not drink too much at once, we don’t want to make your stomach upset again.  I think we used two packets back in those weeks.  One morning being the day Matthew left for California for work.  I thought, for sure, it was a bit of anxiety that day, missing Matthew.  It was good though, we stayed home and worked on crafts.  Madeline and the girls worked hard to make streamers, decorations, clay sculptures and snacks for a big SURPRISE welcome home party for Matthew.  So it was a welcome day off…

Fast forward to today.  The girls stayed at Matthew’s last night.  I awoke to a call that Amelia got sick last night all over his bed.  That she had showered and was curled up.  I went over and picked her up, made arrangements for Lucy and came home to watch Kelly and Michael and snuggle.  I went to the cabinet to make Amelia a Pedialyte bottle, just out of stomach bug habit.  The box was empty.  It was still in the cabinet but it was empty.  She had to settle for a juice box- to which I told her drink slow- don’t guzzle.

It was a mini BAM moment.  Just a moment of recollection that another thing is done from that time… who knows maybe the packets were out of date anyway, who cares.  It made me sad to think that there are few things left to have/find/experience that Madeline did.  All of the fingerprints from her are gone from my windows, her lost hairs and messes have long since been vacuumed and cleaned… her artwork has all been seen and shared if we wanted to.  It is weird to think about those things.  The girls will continue to make messes, make jokes, tell riddles, sing songs… create projects, complain about dinner, run and learn and live and breathe… and it isn’t the case for all of my Musto Chicks.  Often I am ok and pretty even.  I don’t sit and think of all I have lost, all that I miss.  I tend to focus on how Madeline is still here and how I know she is okay.  Today I just felt sad that there will be few more of these types of finds in the future.  Someday everything she touched will have been shown to me, maybe most of it already has… now I must focus on how the Madeline that is here now touches and changes people… her fingerprints and heartbeats impacting and showing ‘her’ in a different way.  Most of the time that is enough for me now…

I think I will keep that box.  I will be glad the next time Lucy gives me a breath of her morning breath that smells’s… I will smile when a picture or pose in Amelia looks just like Madeline… I will laugh when I hear her giggle in Lucy… I will cry when I feel the loss and the sad and the hard…



One thought on “Another ‘done’…

  1. I remember that trip, because at the end was when Matt came and stayed with us for the weekend before he went home. On Saturday we went to the beach and took Baby Dan. I had a cold with a runny nose and never buy tissues, so I grabbed a half empty roll of toilet paper and put it in the car. I didn’t use it all that day, so it stayed in the car, in the console. Some time later, I opened the console and looked at the roll of TP. It made me think of Matt’s visit, the last time I saw any of you guys “before.” And it made me sad, even though it was just toilet paper. How we had enjoyed the day showing Matt the beach and no one had any idea of what was coming just a few weeks later. I finally used it up just recently, and threw the roll away when it was empty.


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