Sad.Mad.Glad… Sad.Mad.Glad… Sad.Mad.Glad…
Go ahead and say it like 100 times fast. A few weeks ago a close friend was babysitting the girls after a mediation session. I think it was the first time that my body, mind and heart let down it’s walls and felt all the hard in this. When I got to her house I was upset and heavy. She was… “Sad.Mad.Glad. That’s how it works Erin. You’ll get really sad and really mad… then you will get to really glad.” I keep repeating this in my head. Sad.Mad.Glad. I am going to be ok.
After months of back and forth, back and forth, back and forth… I finally get to move on and let go. I know that after this sad.mad I will get to glad. That glad will be amazing… I believe this wholly. I see my girls, my world, my family, my friends and Madeline’s legacy and how positive and organized and real and true and strong they are. I know God and Maddie are going to get me through this. They are going to send in the troops I need, at the moments I need them. They always do. Matthew has made it clear that there is no such thing as Erin and Matt, Matt and Erin… etc. He made me believe that New Matt and New Erin would be compatible or at least friends. I realize though that he has been very destructive and dishonest. He did not have my safety or my happiness or my okay in him. He is very selfish. I believe he is very unwell. I hope he gets the help he needs. I hope he works on his brain and heart and soul…
I will move on. I am stronger already. In a way he gave me validation and the gift of feeling no guilt in asking for the things I need. I feel no guilt that Matthew isn’t included in things. I didn’t make that choice.
I could run around and yell and break things… but I don’t really want to. I want to move and live and breathe and search and run and cry some and reflect on the amazing. For every hard thing I have, there are at least 100 amazing things that I am gifted. Those gifts can be as small as a daughter who walks up to me and grabs my cheeks and kisses me big. They can be as big as the ‘helpers’ stepping up and doing a lot of extra work for me and Maddie and my girls… it can be as small as a moment that I don’t think of the bad. Every hard, has 100 amazing. I know this. I hope you all do too.
If we focus on the 1 bad or hard or painful all.the.time we will miss all of those regular and extraordinary amazings. Train you brain to use the positive path, don’t put away or hide the bad and sad, but instead send your brain to the positive, on the better path. Eventually the positive path will be the one your brain jumps on and habitually travels. I know this. I think we are all made to be something special and strong, the only thing that holds us back is us. None of the people who have hurt me have the ability to kill my spirit or hold me back. They added a big hill work out. My mind and heart will be so much stronger from the hill sprints they have made me do… but in the end it is me who benefitted.
Sad.Mad.Glad (repeated 100 times) and a few prayers will do wonders for all of us.
Thank you all you ‘herd’… you best.people.ever. Honestly, you all part of the gift I am given every day.