catching up.

Always playing catch up… catch up to work, catch up to life… catch up on the house, the laundry and homework for Amelia.  Just when I think it is all done someone finishes a snack on a plate I need to wash… or it’s bath time and there is now laundry when it was all put away… or finish all of my email, take a breath and then there are more.

‘Tis the story of my life.  Never done, never caught up.  I prep for a break and something breaks… I prep for a vacation and a hotel shuts down for a ‘best day ever’ family.  Tonight I was talking to a friend, kind of complaining.  I was letting myself be the victim, be in my hole.  I told him “I keep asking God for a boring year…”  He said stop asking.  Seriously. Why.didn’t.I.think.of.that.  I work so hard to reword my prayers to not be all asky and requesty… I just ask for guidance and direction.  I ask for God to make it kind of clear which way is right and will help me find safe and not-so-painful in the long run.  I do sarcastically ask for a boring year.

Honestly, would I even appreciate the boring year???  I would be bored.  I would be angry that I was bored.  I would not reflect on amazing, because I was surrounded by bored.  I would not thank God so often for all the amazing, because I would be focused on my bored.  I can’t handle a boring, quiet year.  I am not made that way.  I am made for loud, funny, happy, mad, silly, sad… busy, busy, secret slow, lazy sometimes, run, run, run… I am not (at this very point in my life) programed for slow down.  I know it will come (most likely when I need a new knee from bad genetics or too many falls)… I know it will come.  I will be here, readyish for the slow down.  It will be confusing.  It will be shocking… but I will know it is the time.  Today isn’t the time.  If I slowed down and got all bored my world would break.  I would lose all the good and amazing I have in Maddie’s Legacy, I wouldn’t have the energy to share her, I wouldn’t be in the energy I need and I might lose my faith that life is good.  God is great.

So, Erin, continue to ask for guidance.  Ask for help.  Ask for a clear path to something less painful.  I will ask God to help me find my purpose… and maybe a job… I will stop asking for an easy year, a boring year.  I am tired and tried… but I can handle this junk.  God made me for this very journey… to sit indian style on this very night and type these very words… funny how He works that way.  I am not one for the easy way, never have been, never will.  I was made that way, I will maintain that until I am off to paradise for a super hug and some calorie free cake (…..).

❤ Madeline Elizabeth Musto.  You have taught me more about life and death and how intertwined they are… you have guided me to safe.  I love you to the moon and back, then to Jupiter and two times around Mars… a hop over to the sun and back… and 40,005 super hugs.  and my dear that is a lot… more than a little… much more.


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