Life Happens, just the way it is supposed to…

Yesterday was our 3rd Annual Madeline Father Daughter Tea Party… and it was lovely.  It was a A LOT of work, but it was perfect.  I love that day.  It is so positive and happy… it feels so Madeline and what she was to me and to many.  It is the epitome of enjoying time and being together as a family.  I am so proud and happy and still feel the high from yesterday.

I got in the car after and started a little adventure to Baltimore and DC… to see my little sister and to attend Cure Search Action Days… a childhood cancer advocacy seminar and meetings.  I am excited.  I am nervous, but mostly excited.  I feel like I am on a little journey… a little break.  I guess this is how I do ‘breaks’ with something positive and focused… to heck with spending my time doing nothing.  One day of doing nothing and I am fried… too much work to do nothing and fill my brain with nothing.  I am currently sitting in a Panera, while Molly does her test on base, waiting to get dropped at the train station.  I am sitting working on emails and composing some thoughts…

Last night in the car ride, I had this feeling that this whole life has happened just the way it was supposed to.  I sometimes get that feeling.  I don’t know if it is God’s way to remind me that He has got this… that He already knew this would happen, that it was all written in my story before I was born.  When I stop to think that this is already written it puts so much into perspective… to think that I was may have made mistakes or said words I hate or shared something or broken down to Matthew and felt weak… but it was already written that way.  God is right there to know what happened, and better yet to have known beforehand that He would need to scrape me off the floor that day, He knew He was have to put it in Amelia’s heart after seeing her mom in a tank and underwear for a couple days being upset, to make her mom get dressed up.  He is right there when I break down or react to something and feel like a failure… He is there to send in the knowledge or confidence or friend to reassure me that it is natural or real… it is good to let it out.  He is there in the run I go on and mentally let A LOT of mad out.  He is reminding me to run, workout, take care of myself… He is there sending Lucy to my lap when I am just very, very sad… He already knew I would be sad at.that.moment.

Does this ever blow your mind?  Most of the time I can not wrap my head around it… I can’t understand, wholly… but I know and have this faith that I am only supposed to partly understand sometimes.  In moments like last night, sitting in the car for 6 hours (plus… I happened to get lost in New Jersey)…. feeling like not only am I right in the spot I am supposed to be, but more that this is exactly how it was supposed to be.  I know that for Madeline too… that her life was never meant to be long… that February 8 was written in her journey.  I never doubt that God was right next to her preparing her and carrying her… maybe even scraping her off the floor in a moment of doubt (however that could look for a young child)… I know He was there.  I know He is always here… He is ever present in those moments that something is so clear to me.  I feel, very strongly, that those are the moments He brings me back to faith and life and living and letting go… He also brings me back to grabbing on, trying new things and being better at so many things.  I feel that He has helped me become a better mom in this, more patient and more loving… more clear and also helped me let go of some of the control.

So… life happens.  It always will, until it doesn’t, I guess.  I believe, with all of me, that it happens just how it is supposed to.  I hate some of the choices others have made, but they were written in their journey as well.  I have made mistakes… I think the best part for me is I know that even when I am at my worst, this journey was written, God is right there.  He is hoping I see his blessings, Hoping I forgive others and myself… He is hoping I hold fast to faith and share… He is hoping that I chose to know and understand the gift in Him already knowing the outcome.  So here I am, taking that chunk of moments yesterday, and carrying it with me.  I want to remember the feeling and simple peace I felt yesterday.  I want to be brought back to knowing that every part of this life was written, He is already ready to carry, push, scrape, encourage… I just need to make sure I am listening and letting it all enter and change me.

I love this song, might have posted it before.  This is the one that got me thinkin’…


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