I feel like things have changed some, inside my brain and heart. A couple months ago, and in recent months before, there were big ice cubes or sugar cubes thrown into a not super perfect or stable glass of water. I felt today, in the quiet part of the drive home, that the cubes are dissolving. I actually felt my mind making this parallel. That things were breaking apart and becoming more clear for me. My brain even visualized something big breaking down and becoming a part of a new mix.
I thought for a bit about what that thought and visualization meant. I think it means I am losing some things and gaining others in order to create a new… normal/glass of fluid. I guess maybe it means I am incorporating the big blocks and processing… I can’t recall some of the moments in my marriage that I felt love… I can’t feel them. I can’t remember things that I used to bring to thoughts fast. I can’t remember the feeling of love I have or had for Matt. I think it is a part of the fence I have been building and maintaining. My heart has a quick strong memory, a moment of sad and missing and it is gone. I remind myself- fence, good dad, stay safe, stay in my lane, move, live, breathe… It is a comforting and hard place to be. It is weird to think that in all of this time this is what IT all is. I guess that is what must be right now. I can’t be friends or a team… just people. I must maintain my fence and keep it clean and white and sturdy… if I fail I let hurt in. I cannot let hurt in from this right now. I have hurt to sort through, anger to put in safe and good places and sad to think about. I can’t let more come in. I don’t have a gate in my fence right now. Maybe someday…
I think my brain is working really hard to find it’s place in this. To find the me that goes forward, to help the me that wants to stay put and to pick up the me that moves backwards. Today’s visual and thought were huge components in me knowing I have progressed and changed and moved forward. I see progress. I am slow, but I am moving. I am thankful that I had that thought today I needed it. Sometimes when a person is standing in something or in a moment, it is very hard to see past that very moment. I know my moment (weeks, month or year) looks long… but it feels like a moment in life that I was standing in one spot… in a situation that I didn’t know was going in crazy crappy circles. It is a good feeling to see improvement.
❤ Thank you God for the visual in my thoughts. You knew I needed it.