… it’ll all get better with pain.

I keep hearing the words to the Leona Lewis song ‘It’ll all get better’….

“Thought I couldn’t live without you
It’s gonna hurt when it heals too
It’ll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I’m gonna smile cause I deserve to
It’ll all get better in time”

I think lately this feels about right.  I feel like with every Bam or Bomb I still get the hurt and the pain- but I get a lot better soon after.  It is easier to let go with every.single.big.bomb.  Last week I got the bomb of reassurance that things were  the way I imagined, I guess not how I hoped, but never-the-less they are how they are.  It freakin’ hurt.  It hurt for days and confused me a lot.  I was mad at myself that it hurt so much, I was annoyed at my self that it confused my brain, I was hurt that once again past people are not honest with me.

Alas, here I am this week… It doesn’t hurt so much.  In fact I feel like I walked maybe 10 to 20 steps forward.  I think that the next bomb or Bam won’t send me like 30 steps back, but maybe only 18.  I see improvement.  I am back in the non-care mode.  I think I need those Bams and Bombs to bring me back to not caring about the bad people I have been around.  My nature is to care… to worry, to love, to accept, to hug and let go… so it is painful, yet beneficial when one of the toxic people give back toxins.  I hurt and think and think and hurt and mope… then a day or two becomes three and all of the sudden I am a week out from the junky and hurtful thing.  I am farther than a week really though… I  am 5 steps farther than the last time, with the hope that I keep getting farther.

I guess my thoughts today were that the only way to get to the point that I don’t care and I can spend lots of time thinking and feeling other things and living better is to get the pain and get by.  Today was a good day, as was yesterday… and the day before.  Wow.  Three or four good days… that’s a plus.

I told Matthew a long time ago that in order for me to let go and do this and be sure… and I never felt like he was… I would need to not care at all about him.  I would not wonder where he was, what he was up to… how he feels, how he hurts, what he needs… nothing.  I can care none.   I have had many days in a row of not caring.   Right now, today, I don’t care.  I don’t care about his outfit, conversations… don’t need to see him smile and can barely see his dimple anymore.  It isn’t a part of me anymore.  I don’t want it, don’t need it… and in order to move forward and not be hurt I don’t freakin’ care about it.

My sister and brother-in-law have been here for a couple days.  It has been really nice… dinner and wandering with no kids, track and snuggles, bon fire, dinners in, museums, work outs… just good times.  Today while at the New York State Museum we wandered and read all sort of interesting and important things, saw cool stuff and took silly pictures to look like we were carrying or picking the Mastadons nose… it was great.  We visited the 911 exhibit and it always hits.  I feel different in that room.  I am sure it is how my grandparents would have felt in Hawaii at the Pearl Harbor Exhibit.  It just… brings you right back to a moment, a change in time.  I was talking to the girls about what that day was, how it felt, what it meant and what those pictures were.  How some very bad and evil people made really terrible and mean choices and they changed the world as we knew it.  That in those buildings many people, moms and dads and some kids, went to heaven.  I told them about the amazing brave people who went in to save them, a job I don’t think I could do.  They told another little girl about it in their words from mine.  They asked if I was alive then.  I told them I was, and that it was a day that I honestly remember wanting to see their dad, Matt, and be near him.  It was a close and tangible (almost) thought about that day and the days that followed.  I remember the night of the benefit.  I remember how hard it was to see the footage and hear the accounts.  It still is.  I remember loving Matthew very much then.  It is good to feel that.  I am glad to have them bit in this… because lately part of the ‘not caring’ is ‘not feeling’ those things anymore.  Not caring, not loving.  It felt good to see memories of taking Madeline to the museum in my head and remember… and to see that and remember.  It is comforting to know that my brain can go back to the good.

I am glad to be in a place that I love my people again, I feel safe.  I don’t feel sad all the time, but sometimes I hate that Matt isn’t a part of me now… just my girls and parenting.  I guess this is life now.  I am glad to go back to good stuff with Matt and Madeline and all of my girls.  I am glad to enjoy time and laugh with nothing sitting right below it.  I felt good and light and happy.  I felt like in this pain I will learn to live, move, breathe, run, laugh, cry and be… in time and in pain.

 

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