We surround ourselves with what is safe and comfortable, this is the nature of most animals. This new life, after Madeline’s death, is not different in that way. In some ways I can not BELIEVE it has been so long since I have seen her and felt her and heard her heart beat… and in others it feels like a million years ago. I am sometimes so fine and normal and missing her is built into my time, that it is shocking to me. How on earth can life go on with out her? It still doesn’t make sense to me, but then again there is a huge part inside of me that know it isn’t going on with out her.
She is all around me. She is my armor. In this great big crazy world of highs and lows and crap and good… crazy busy and dead tired… she is my comfort and my safe. She is my home. My home is my girls, and my faith that she is right here with us. I don’t feel her like some feel their children or lost lovelies, I don’t see her in my dreams really… but she surrounds me. She reminds me. My world is filled with moments that I get to talk about her, memories I get to share, pictures I see, stories I hear and tangible objects she loved.
Lately I have thought a lot about the ‘armor’ that gets me through days and nights and weeks and months… now years with no physical Madeline. I have wondered how it can be okay that I am okay… that I can move, live, breathe, run, laugh, cry and mostly do more than survive without her right here. I think I miss being able to touch her most… to just feel her skin or put my ear against her chest and hear her heart. How have I gotten this far without being able to touch her? Is it an illusion that I am okay? I guess I don’t have the full answers to those questions, but I believe it is because she is still all around me and my girls.
I think of the routine of my day and what I see and touch and think about. I think of what I wear and what makes me think of Madeline that I wear. I look in my cupboards that are filled to the brim with quotes that help me, pictures of my girls and the napkins I would send in Madeline’s lunch and draw a picture on and she would write back “Mom I love you”. I think it is these items, this ‘armor’ that helps me stay safe and close to her. I think I know that… just like I think it isn’t an illusion that I am okay, alive and sometimes even good.
I wanted to share some of the ‘armor’ from a normal day… there is more, some of it I like to not share and keep for me. These are some of the ‘armor’ that I need to touch when I am nervous, or see when I am scared, or read when I am prepping for my day…