Fearfully, Wonderfully Made.

Imagine 1000’s of women in one place with the same goal- to feel God and get closer to the Big Guy.  Let your brain imagine awesome and powerful (and recent and relevant) music sung by OUTSTANDING singers and bands… think about the most inspiring life experiences and stories, the kind that just give actual proof to  God and faith… feel it.

That was my weekend.  My weekend to go from ‘Survival to Revival’… to recharge my batteries and listen and praise and sing and think and feel… it was a really powerful weekend.

There was a lot that spoke to me, songs that I felt… words that God was sending right into me, behind the wall that I couldn’t fully get down… I know it.  I love when that happens.  I love when… I guess, like I have said before I am right.  Sitting on the bed talking to the women I was with, some were new and some were related, we talked about submission, faith, believing, struggle.  We talked about how to back up our faith, and I was honest with the fact that in that is where I need work.  I feel a strong pull to find the words in the bible to back up what I know and share it.  We also talked about God and believing, and the struggle to believe in the really hard, testing stuff.  I told them, that I don’t believe, I don’t just believe.  There is something in my that KNOWS.  That is the something that makes me get up and get by when I am tested with loss and loss and hurt and pain.  I don’t just believe that there is a God, a heaven, that I have a soul and time here is small- I KNOW it.  In those storms we must know, in the good stuff we must know.  We can’t prance around and give praise for the good- we need to hug the only thing that stays in one spot when the world is in a storm- the Rock.  I struggle, not with knowing God is there, but with His plan.  I struggle with letting down the correct walls and opening, I struggle with letting go and giving it to Him.  I struggle, but I improve.  Everyday I get better at it.  I get better at releasing some pain to Him and seeing a little something brighter.  I see improvement in my struggle, soon maybe I will see the other side, when I have let it go.

There were some important messages to me.  Many of them resonate still.  I want them to… to bounce around and remind me, to pop into my thoughts when I need them…

  • Vulnerability.  We can not grow  in courage or creativity unless we become vulnerable.  I guess I never thought about it that way.  In order to grow and become more brave and more courageous we must step out of our box… when we do we grow… then we do it again and again.  Vulnerability and the fear of failure make me feel naked, but naked in a good way.  There is something awesome about putting yourself out there, stepping one or two feet out of the box and jumping/trying/speaking.  There is a rush and a bold and a pride- that might be considered an increase in bravery or courage.  A knowledge that you can do it.  As far as creativity goes, I see this one in the way I am creative… in art and crafts.  This one makes sense… trying new classes or techniques that might scare you for fear of failure.  That is hard to do.  I love it though.  I never considered that this vulnerability in being creative would be a growth, but it makes sense.  I guess even in writing and the way I express myself… it was hard to do sometimes but I have grown and seen the difference that this vulnerability has built in me.
  • Forgiveness. I felt this one a lot this weekend.  It was repeated and pounded, kindly and beautifully, into my brain and heart.  I left with a strong message that I need to let go, forgive and move on- even though the world says I don’t have to right now.  I take from that message, that it is only going to help me grow when I do and that God has a lot of growing for me to do (hopefully not in pounds…).  That was a powerful message that came in behind my wall.  It repeated itself even when I could not let my wall down… so I know God wants me to do it.  It is true.  I can not change the hurt behind me, I can chose how I go forward.  I don’t want to carry it with me, this heavy weight.  I know from experience that it doesn’t remove the pain or the deed and make it ok…. it just lessens the load we carry.  What has happened will always hurt, but there has been good in it as well.  I feel stronger, I feel better energy.  I have a lot of mad and anger and hurt to disperse of but… I need to start letting the strings of this go so they don’t make me weaker. (ps did I mention I got to hear him sing this… so powerful)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1Lu5udXEZI
  • God loves that unlovely and unloved.  Give.it.up… love the ones who hate, who hurt.  (much harder than it sounds… but it is a post it in my brain to go back to and see and read and work for)
  • There is no Grandstand in life.  God did not create us to watch the race, to be spectators.  We are here to run, to race, to share, to listen, to know, to believe, to endure, to forgive and to keep going… we are made to be in this- not watching it.  Let go of the ones not running with you, the toxic ones running in a different direction.
  • Your past can give somebody else a future, if you give it to God.  I feel that this is very connected to me.  It is something that gets me through this all, that brings me to others who need support, words, guidance, lessons or emotional support.  I sat in an auditorium with others with hard and painful pasts- sexually abused, extreme losses, poverty and so many others- my story is mine and is as hard as many peoples… but what you do with that hard and pain and what you learned is so important.  We have these pasts for a purpose- they can truelly help others futures if we use them correctly and listen to where we are guided.  I know that.
  • Burn Bright.  Goodness this song is amazing… and Natalie Grant is amazing.

 

What an amazing weekend.  I love how life is… I love how it speaks when you listen.  My messages and moments were made just.for.me.  So many left here with different moments that made it past their walls… I know I am going to be okay and good and me.  I see and know… I live and breathe… I try, I fail, I move, I run, I cry, I laugh… I am made for more.  I am getting there… we all are getting somewhere… think about your somewhere and what you are bringing with you.

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3 thoughts on “Fearfully, Wonderfully Made.

  1. I needed this so much today. I seriously struggle with confidence, my creativity, being brave, what God’s plan is in my life, and my past. Thank you for this post.

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  2. Lisa told me about your post, just getting a chance to read it now. It was a powerful weekend and I’m challenged to definitely put a lot into action, not always easy for sure. I very much enjoyed getting to meet you! May you feel God’s love as you continue to walk life’s storms and know you have lots of people pulling and praying for you!

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  3. Hello to all you strong women,My name is Michelle and 14 days ago i lost my 3 year old son Cayden to a very rare form of cancer.My social worker at cincinnati childrens hospital gave me the info on this blog.My life feels like its over.My heart and soul are broken.i do not feel like i will ever recover.Cayden was my heart,my soul,my everything.How do i go on?How do i continue to just go on with my life without Cayden?I have read some of your posts on here,and i see you all are going on,and that gives me some hope.Cayden was my youngest out of my 4 beautiful sons.The day Cayden died i feel like a peice of me died with him.I do not have alot of family support,and i have a few friends from church that are great but i do not feel like they understand how bad i am hurting.I really need to connect with people in my area who have lost a child as well.I know i probably should not give my phone # out on here but i am really desperate. My name is Michelle and my phone # is(513)371-6138,Please text me ,I am looking for some good therapy groups that are for parents that have lost children,also looking for any good advice or wisdom that other parents would want to share.Please tell me it gets better,Does it?Because at this point in time,i do not feel like this horrific pain in my heart will ever subside.How did you mothers get through it???Does the criing ever stop??I can really use a friend who has been where i am at.Thanks and God Bless Michelle

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