time.school.life… moves…

A funny thing happens in life… time just keeps moving.  Today was the last first day of Kindergarten for a Musto Chick… my last little chick is now in Kindergarten.  Time moves.  I remember a time when I looked forward to this time, I was somewhat jealous of moms that were in this spot- complaining of missing their lovelies… I never got to miss my lovelies when they were young.  We were a pod full of crazy, messy, sometimes great, sometimes terrible.  We were pretty much together all.day.long minus the one and a half hours of amazing daycare at the YMCA that kept me sane (ish)… So back then I was not right in this very spot.  I was standing in a place that my girls needed me all.day.long – sometimes even all.night.long.  Today the girls played with friends in the back yard for a long time and played alone… they didn’t need me to do anything except separate a fight.  What a strange new world this is… and it totally just happened.  I don’t remember what the hump was, or when it happened.  I wish I did, maybe I would have appreciated or dreaded it.  It is a mix.

Today I got two Musto Chicks ready for school.  There were two lunch pails to pack, two backpacks that we filled with tons of supplies, two pairs of new sneakers purchased and ready to wear, two sets of clothes laid out for … only two girls.  I made sure to get lots of pictures and smile big and be present.  I guess I just couldn’t get over the only two thing… I was tired and worn all afternoon.  I know this feeling, the one that likes to nap and be sad.  I don’t mind it, just have to make myself move for the girls.  I set an alarm and let myself be drained and icky and sad… it is such a weak feeling.  When I am in this… grief funk my arms feel so heavy, my eyes are so tired and I feel so heavy and sad.  I didn’t want to ruin the girls day, so I got up and took them for a walk.  When in doubt or feeling like that… a change in scenery is usually a good call.  So a walk it was… then we invited the little Evie from down the street over for dinner and play.  It was a good distraction… I actually made dinner, did yard work, did Maddie’s Mark work… and made myself function.  This day was also piled up with a bunch of work and emails about my upcoming divorce.  I so badly just want this stuff to be done… but know it needs to be done right for me, the girls and even Matt.  It is just so hard… but I know it is a ‘hard right now’ kind of thing.  I doubt anyone goes through these things and thinks ‘damn that was simple and painless’.., I guess divorce is a little like labor.  I just can.not.wait.to.get.to.the.other.side.

Today brought a lot that I didn’t prepare for.  I kind of hate when that happens but… it reminds me about life and rolling with it even when it sucks.

SO… what is it like to have a Second grader and Kindergartener???  I like it… so far.  I can’t wait to hear the friendship stories and books they read and see the progress and growth… and then be floored when I realize how big they are and how much they changed… funny tine about life you know???  It keeps moving and it’s hard to see the changes along the way… but man my girls have gotten tall and more themselves this year… I hope they have gotten kinder, more patient, more polite, more confident, more focused… we shall see.  I look forward to visiting them and mystery reading, I hope I am not even a mystery because I am in there so much.  I always tell the girls to “stop growing”… but I know I never want that to really happen.  Amelia will make her First Communion this year and it will be something she can connect with Madeline… Lucy has Madeline and Amelia’s cubby… Life keeps moving.  I am thankful that Madeline is carried and shared and honored by so many.  I can’t believe she would have been stepping on the earlier bus today and starting a new journey in third grade… She would be in her silly and strange stage with big teeth and too long limbs…  Madeline will never look back at pictures and tell me I was a terrible mom for letting her (or making her) wear something.  She is instead stopped in time, she stopped growing.  So I hope my Musto Chicks grow like weeds… and behave really well and fight a little less… so we have an awesome year together.

So… for now I will let myself be heavy and sad… and know that there are many things that have kind of combined to make me feel this.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Tomorrow is Friday.  Tomorrow will be good.

❤ Love you lovely… send your sisters some love and luck…

first day of school 2 SAMSUNG first day of school3 first day of school1 first day of school 5

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