rough, raw and bright.

It is always that way, life is always a complex mix of emotions.  In the happy there is sad, in the sad there is good, in the hard there is light… confusing sometimes how to sort and get through days when there are so many different feelings popping in.  In the past week I have definitely been on a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions.  I am enjoying the freedom of the girls being at school, I don’t really miss them all day… I get things done or I take naps.  I make dinner and have the girls friends for dinner… I see the moms on my street more.  We play, I clean… bedtimes and routines are starting to become normal again. In that normal is a constant picture of life and it’s loss.  Every dinner is small.  I make meals for the size of family I had… and have leftovers for the next day.  I do homework with Amelia and it is just me (on my nights)… just me reading the papers and getting rid of the bowling and PTO paperwork that I can’t let myself commit to.  It is just me snuggling the girls to bed or enforcing a bedtime.  There are only a couple cups to fill or snacks to pack.  Then the crazy ladies hop on the bus and they are off- it is just me.  I think I always thought this time would feel different.  That I would take the first day of school and spend it with Matt and work as a team when they got home.  I thought homework would be done and I could say things like I heard growing up “Ask your dad about that one…”.  I thought my dinner table would be surrounded and comfortable and full.  So in the content there is hard and sad, always.

The other morning Lucy was being a terd, so I got Amelia ready and then headed into get Lucy dressed and to school.  She was mad at me for not letting her wear a pair of green mesh shorts (thanks Aunt Jojo).  I told her they were inappropriate for school and I won’t back down.  In my brain I thought “you are mom.  you are mom.  don’t lose.  don’t let her win”… so I held my ground while she crossed her arms and spouted mean junk.  Then she gave in and got dressed, ate her breakfast and was happy.  In a way I felt like it was her way to stay home with me, and she didn’t really want to go to school that day.  I got her in the car and brought her to her school.  We pulled up to school and there was a little boy trying to get away from the teacher helping him, to run to his mom, trying to get in his car.  He was so upset and I felt so sad for his mom.  I went into the office and told them she might need more help out there.  As I stood there though, walking Lucy to the door, I was brought back to Madeline before the end of it all.  There was a time that she would fight hard and tell me not to leave her at school.  She would yell that she missed me and she didn’t want to go.  She would have to be walked to her classroom and I would walk out crying.  It hurt so much to see and hear that.  I was brought back to that pain and memory.  Lucy told me about 100 times she loved me, she walked in and then came back out- with a quick “mom, pound it”… then she would go back in the doors and come back out “Mom, I love you”.  It was like she knew.  I was standing there re-feeling those days, and the fact that Madeline wasn’t just homesick, Madeline didn’t just decide she hated gym or lunch… but she couldn’t figure out why she wasn’t the Madeline she was a week before.  This time though I had a Lucy to hug me and help me.  So even in that hard- there was a happy. I left the school and felt a lot of sad that morning.  I felt sad for Madeline, for my marriage, for my girls… I felt sad for what my family is right now.  I felt tired and sad.  I went to the gym, to the YMCA.  I did boot camp and talked and caught up.  I left feeling lighter and less sad.  In all of the pain, there is light. Reminders can hit hard.  Memories can make or

break a day… but it is life now.  This is life now.  I am always right where I am supposed to be.  I am reminded often that I am being carried, supported and that Madeline is here.  I am reminded to move, run, breathe, survive, cry, stop, work and live…


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