Lately I think I am a bit of a fraud. I have a lot of confidence but I can be so mean to myself. I am super good at helping people understand their strengths and help them build confidence, but then I am unkind to myself. I wish I weren’t… and plan to work on it, but it is so easy to be mean to ourselves.
I walked into boot camp class and was talking to one of my friends about how hot I looked this time the year I was marathon training. I felt so hot then, tired and exhausted often but hot. I had a good summer tan, nice fit arms, 20 pounds less and a confidence that I was running a marathon. I was really proud of myself back then. It was an empowering experience. I am in no way trained physically or mentally for those long runs right now. In fact I don’t feel like I have the energy or time to give to that training or the mental ability to handle hours of running with my brain and thoughts. I will run like that again, but it isn’t safe right now. So here I was in this boot camp class putting my current self down. I was quickly… I don’t think scolded, but reminded firmly, that I am beautiful. My friends compliment was something to the point of “Erin lots of beautiful girls want to make out with you”… which to some isn’t a compliment. I took it and walked away kind of proud that I am me and I am beautiful. It isn’t really about the girls kissing thing, but more of knowing that while I am being mean to me, there are many other beautiful and strong people that I admire that admire me. So as strange as that compliment could be to some, I took it with me the rest of the day and let myself feel pretty and strong and admired.
Last night I was at a party for a friend who finished her PhD work (and I will finally get to see more often again). It was a really fun and easy party… lots of wine, munchies and great conversations. From motel to bacon dip to kids that are good at soccer to fun nights out… just a great night all around. Sitting in the kitchen with some friends, some wine and some crazy good desserts and chatting about working out, weight and confidence. I put myself down again. I joked about my slow running and chasing of the hot blonds in front of me. I also talked about those hot blonds and how they didn’t appreciate their hot-blond-fast-running-selves. They each only see the parts to change… and here I was saying this about me. I was reminded that we all have our problems, but there will always be something. Even when I was marathon training there was weight and lumps I complained about. I was reminded to be kind to this very me. Enjoy this me… have dessert, have wine, enjoy friends, run, workout… and like this me, not the one I won’t ever attain. I felt a little mad at myself for putting myself down. I need to be better at that. It is so.freakin.easy.to.do…
I am a confident person. I have lots of things I struggle with being confident about. I think we all do. I am sure of almost all of my decisions. I know I am a kind person. I love my girls and think I am a good mom. I love my family and being a part of all of it… and think I am good at those roles (by the way today is my parents 40th wedding anniversary… freakin’ amazing you could like someone so long :)). I love my friends and think I am a good friend. I love my community and what I get to do in it. I need to remind myself to love all of me… change the parts that are changeable or don’t fit anymore. I need to remind myself to help myself build me.
So here I am choosing to work on this. I am going to work on accepting this version of ‘Erin’ right now… and love her for her. I hope maybe you needed this reminder as well. I know that in so many if we could see ourselves as others do we would love ourselves more… in loving ourselves and our gifts we would be better people. So keep me in line… scold me or correct me when I put myself down. I want to be held accountable for this one… I want my girls to grow up and still say “Mom, I look really pretty in pink” and know that truth.