What are the odds that in one day 3 people will reach out to you with important and powerful words for your heart, mind and soul? I have learned to not take those types of messages for granted. Those are the ways God makes sure we know He is there. I guess you could totally chalk it up to chance, but seriously I.am.not.buying.that.
“And you can not be my disciple if you do not carry your cross and follow me. But don’t begin until you count the cost” (Luke 14:27)
My little sister Molly sent this to me on Sunday morning. I read it and reread it. She noted that I often say that we all have a ‘cross’ to carry, we don’t get to choose the ‘cross’ but it is ours to carry and survive. Often times people look at me and say “You are so strong” or “I couldn’t handle all of this”… things of that nature. I believe inside of me that we are all faced with big blessings and really hard stuff… we all have our ‘cross’ to carry. I think a gift in this is following God… He keeps the light on, so I always know I can hold on and get through it. I have a big freakin’ cross to carry, each of us does. Mixed into those ‘crosses’ and bard things and heavy life experiences is strength, support, miracles, life, joy and sometimes someone else carrying that heavy cross for you. Those are all part of the knowing God in this… calling on Him to help you get up the hill with your heavy cross. Another part of this is no one’s cross looks the same … we cant really compare them. The loss of Madeline is mixed with the life of Madeline and my divorce is darn heavy… but I pray and work out and stay healthy in many ways to carry this big hunka life that I was gifted.
I remember receiving the “whatever is lovely” bracelet and thinking how awesome it was that this phrase I use is backed up in the bible… and Molly thought it was cool that words I talk about and use are backed up in the bible. I honestly feel like it was a little way to remind me that this fact is true. That we all have a cross, they are all different. I actually take this message as another push to start a bible study and know the words that are inside of me already.
I received that text from Molly and my brain thought of a few people who NEEDED to see it. I called Kathi and was on my way to see her and old her she had to see this quote… then she told me that she had a word for me. It is a super strange word since it is Hebrew… but it is a definition of the feeling that I talk about so often. That feeling inside that makes you know you must… pray, move, live, carry, support, share… whatever it is. This is a LONG word for the feeling inside of us that pulls us to action- be it a special prayer or thought laid on your heart, an action or knowledge, a goal that is placed into your thoughts. I know that God speaks in these feelings and pulls… I guess I didn’t know there was a fancy and official and VERY long way to define that feeling. I know I have felt it many times, especially since Madeline died. I know others have as well, or had tendencies to pray for something at just.the.right.moment. Sometimes it is little, like dropping milk or groceries off because they had a feeling… not knowing that a heavy and sad Erin just couldn’t pull together dinner- or even cereal for dinner because we lacked milk. I also see this in people veering toward a new goal or changing their perspective since Madeline died… like Nathan being pulled to nursing after Madeline died. That pull and that feeling inside that makes you take action. I loved knowing that there is a word for that, I don’t think I can pronounce it to really be able to share it- writing it is the best you are all going to get. Just knowing it is there is reassurance for me though.
I got home Sunday and had a text from a friend, followed up by Namaste, in true Wendi form…
“The pain was necessary to know the truth but you don’t have to keep the pain alive to keep the truth alive”
This really touched all the points of the last couple years… more specifically the breakdown of my marriage. I am letting go of the pain and standing in the truth. I can’t change it. I can’t move it. I can’t get rid of it… it is just what it is- the truth. I am very glad it doesn’t hurt so much. I am lighter. Most days I am really loving this ‘me’ that is less angry and more content with now. It is good to put that anger and pain and put it somewhere… other than inside of me. I do also know that the pain of losing Madeline has a purpose… it helps me know the Truth. I also know that if there wasn’t so much pain and hurt involved in the ending of my marriage- I wouldn’t know the Truth. I might still be holding on to a hope or a fantasy… while people weren’t true and weren’t good. The pain of those events helped me create real and solid boundaries that keep me safe and keep me more content, more able to be a better me. Those boundaries are easier to maintain because of the pain… and the truth.
I ended Sunday pretty darn tired, as I do everyday pretty much. I had a kid sleeping on my laundry pile and one in the chair… and we all crashed. My brain thought in those quiet moments about these words and the significance of them being shared in one day. Each of them would have been welcome and profound separately, but because they were shared in one afternoon I felt it was a way to feel and see and ponder a lot of things that are in me already. Who knows… maybe I am crazy??? I think I am pretty stable though :)… I am still thinking of those moments and words and carrying them.
Do they help you or will you carry them???