Sometimes life is a bootcamp class, other times it is a freakin’ circus. After a week or two of thinking I need a stronger antidepressant (the roller coaster was getting into the category of crazy not fun)… this week felt like a freakin’ circus. Many moments I just laughed. Sometimes all you can do is laugh… I tried to grasp some funny situations and images to look back on when it went totally circus… and heck we made it to Friday and everyone is in bed and I am still here.
If I could remember all of the things I forgot… you would all be impressed we made it Friday alive. I am kind of glad Sparky went on ‘vacation’ with Matthew… I may have really forgotten to feed her this week. I misplaced many things, I walking into and out of and back into and out of the laundry room over and over trying to remember a spoon for Lucy’s snack. I forgot events that required me to be in dresses and one my best behavior. I still haven’t paid my mortgage because I set the statement down and forget to pick it up and pay it. Amelia had a tantrum every.single.night during homework. My brain is double fried and extra crispy. Sometimes I wonder how anyone lets me be in charge of anything, and how we manage to survive to bedtime with some sort of dinner in our bellies.
I have left school this week extremely tired. I left so appreciative for my girls school (probably all schools but we live and breathe Bradt). I recognize and love the teachers dedication to EACH and EVERY student. I love seeing and being reminded how much of teaching is creativity and love. I can only imagine how much work that is… I feel like that in my parenting of my girls… that is fulltimeish- these teachers do it for like 25 kids. I also love seeing how proud these teachers are of their students progress… it helps my heart to know my girls are wrapped in people who build them… and so many other children are as well.
…. All that being said this week was a freakin’ circus. My kids were crazy. Kids in the halls were crazy. I might have had to chase a runner … let’s go with several times. It was a week that felt longer than it’s 5 days, it was like there was an extra Monday in this week. I was/am/will be pooped until… crap longer than Monday (good thing next week is short). I am however grateful, just as we all should be this time of year (honestly all.freakin’.year)… for the amazing people who help maintain the circus- in life, in school, in my brain… all the darn circus’s in life right now. I am grateful for patient teachers, for patience I am gifted when I need it… I am grateful for the love and support and guidance… and education that all parts of this circus have gifted us.
I am thankful for this crazy, hot mess circus that life is… and making it to the end of a day that rivals Barnum and Baileys. I am thankful for cute happy thoughts to get me through the crazy circus ones… for remembering my girls good in their crazy and maybe even a funny child riding a chicken toy around. I have learned that we do…
Whatever it takes.
Organizing and showcasing a ‘life’ is a job I never thought I would have, let alone doing it two times. I remember after Madeline passed working on photo boxes, scrapbooks, albums and a trunk to keep her other items… then there are the totes of clothes and life put up deeper and harder to get to. It is not a daunting or scary job, it is just surreal and puts memories and stories right at your fingertips. It is strange to see progression and changes in drawing, writing, skills, facial expressions… life and age. It’s probably the only way we can do all of those things, maybe we should do it before our kids die. It is a job that puts reflecting some on the big scale… there is a hell-ova-lotta reflecting that is done when going through piles of a life.
Last Friday my friend and I helped my ‘Other Side’ Sister pack up her old home to move to her new home. I was designated as the baby entertainer for the little guy who joined us, though I am pretty sure I found a baby who isn’t into me… anyway back to story. We helped Laurel go through stuff, helping her dump some stuff and save others… but mostly we listened to “But… ” or “Oh wait…” (or Erin don’t throw away that LeBron Sprite…). We got to hear the stories of a life lived well. We heard about pictures, experiences, notes, silly stories and cool NBA dads. I had an allergy attack and was in a weird mood (story of these past couple weeks) but it was a really good day. I asked Laurel, or maybe I told her, I was going to bring some of her pile with me and scrapbook and organize it. I got excited to have this task, and the be trusted with a pile of priceless and irreplaceable ‘life’. I took my thoughts to Michael’s and started this weekend. I was in a reflective and deep kind of rollercoaster weekend… why not add to pile this in and see what happens. Turns out I was right where I was supposed to be, in this very spot. Isn’t it weird that it still surprises me? It has been a great reflective time to see another live well lived…
Imagine touching another child’s kindergarten work… seeing similarities and differences. Imagine getting to know Myles in a way I didn’t get to. I get to see bits of Laurel we might have forgotten to share in our hours of chat and life fixing… and Marcelle before I met him. I love getting to see twin baby pictures, first paintings, stories and notes… it brings me back to my darling little chickpea. Myles work is so happy and bright, like Madeline’s, he is rainbows and sun and cute self portraits. I have loved every painful and hard part of this… I have held on to the pain and weird this project has given me… and carried it next to my good and solid part.
I am really proud and honored to get to put these moments together, and get to see them. I know that all the feelings are a part of this, a part of my sad and a part of knowing someone else’s. I also know what a comfort it was to have Madeline’s things in order and in a spot that I can go straight to a story or a moment. I love showing people her pictures and sharing the moment and memory behind, whether it was what she was doing before or what our family was doing and where we were in that picture. I love feeling things she touched. I am sure her DNA is long gone from her drawings that she touched and that all of the dust in our house is without her dust add-on’s… but these things give me a piece of her that is gone.
So… my job was to organize and house moments and memories and experiences for another momma… my ‘other side sister’… I hope she loves her organizedish pile… I already do.
Damn you Pandora. You have done it again… a simple morning of trying to clean turned into the reflective morning I have probably been avoiding for a long time. Seriously… song after song sending me a message. I am going to stay in it today… not going to swap stations to Jason Aldean Radio and get my work done in a different mood. Even when we don’t want to listen to them message and the feelings He will find a way to make us listen, tis a fact.
So here I am jotting down (well typing) the thoughts and depth of this morning. This weekend I felt as though, and voiced it several times, that I am a rollercoaster right now. I no reason to be really, but my insides are a jumble of messed up. Feelings don’t feel the way they should, hurt doesn’t register all the time, happy is a big up and then later I am in a confused fog. I don’t really know what the triggers are right now, usually I am good at nailing it down. I think it is a lot. I think in a way as I was working hard to get stronger and find me- I didn’t give enough of my heart and brain to my loss, or what I thought I was losing. I was losing a future and I don’t think I let myself get sad about it… I just functioned and moved and found fun and happy to distract me and build me. So this morning was just that… a little roundabout back to some pain I need to feel. What a complicated pile of life this has been…
So Pink, Christina Perri, Great Big World, Evanescence, Bruno Mars… and more have put me in this very spot. I guess I will make the beds and vacuum while thinking about all of this. Then again, it made me sad making Lucy’s bed and putting her sheets on wondering how long Lucy will still like the rubber alligator (ali ‘n jack) and her hulk doll on her bed. Damn you Pandora. Damn you.
Miss you darling. More than any words I can write- I freakin’ miss you.
Thank you Everyday Windshield for helping me share my journey… I am honored and proud that many help me write and share. It is my therapy, my security… and at the same time it renders me naked in a way. I guess getting naked it good every once and a while right??? Please check it out and visit…
PS thank you for Climbing up my crazy polka dot tree.
… and the whirlwind is done, back to reality.
I have a 7 year old Musto Chick. This weekend was one of those fun and filled weekends full of my family, my girls family and friends. We trick or treated and had a family birthday party… then a fun day of spending gift cards. Today was Amelia’s day to bring treats to school and celebrate with friends. Tonight was her special friend party and she was rocking and shining. She chose two friends to go to The Standard and to Build a Bear. I was informed that my car was gross and stinky, and that Amelia would not, just could not ride in her car seat (but was ready for her booster). So… I vacuumed, changed car seats and fabreezed in preparation. I felt like I was prepping for a date, only my car was to be filled with chattering and silly girls that sounded like teenagers. We headed off to our date and enjoyed the night Amelia felt very special and I felt freakin’ old. It was only 6:30 and I felt like it was midnight… no joke I was waiting for my pumpkin. We did drop off and headed home, there was of course a Musto Chick fight that I told them to sort out and let it go (I did just buy them 50$ worth of Shirley temples and 120$ worth of build a bear animals and extras… but who is counting)… They ended the night reading to each other hoping that the crazy lady didn’t come in and yell. I would let you all think it was perfect but they you would know I am a fraud… because nothing is ever perfect and smooth. It’s life- one moment they are rockin’ out to Taylor and let it go… the next someone has a gash across their cheek and they ‘hate their sister’… luckily I have more than one kiddo… so I never get the peace that parents of only children must have :).
Seriously, Erin, back on track. So… I was driving home thinking how crazy it is that I have a 7 year old. I became a mom a long time ago… and judging by the conversations, independence and choices tonight I have a real girl (and a Lucy that is her own self… and a girl too). It is strange to see them grow. Sometimes… I think I stopped paying attention to the growing. I still see them in the school Madeline was in, I still bring them to the YMCA, they still rode in car seats… they NEVER went to the bathroom alone. Tonight I saw them get bigger. Honestly, it is so exciting and terrifying. They move farther from their sister in age and experiences… but closer to what they are made to do. I love seeing them get taller and bigger, and sometimes I stop and think of how long it has been. I hear Amelia recount a story or a fact about Madeline… how she loved something or how she did something. I am reminded then that they don’t move away from her… they carry her and grow alongside her memory and her story. I know these things in me, I just need reminders and time to think about it sometimes.
So what did I learn tonight?
- My kids could out shop and out mall walk me… I used to be a pro
- My girls are becoming like real mature and grown girls… not just tall toddlers… our little itty bitty kids…
- The above happened really freakin’ fast
- My girls are more independent than I knew (which is good/ bad)
- I have gotten old.
- … yet less frugal… I actually let them pick outfits and undies for their bears…I became a sap… but at least I said no to doll beds…
- I love seeing my daughter get a little uncomfortable but join in when her friends sing ‘Let it Go’ in The Standard… there is something important in the ability to give up caring what people think and just going with it.
Life goes on. Life keeps moving. Kids grow. Babies change. Adults get old. We don’t see it right then… but there are moments and experiences and glimpse that we get to really fully see and feel it. We get to appreciate it. I guess we could fear it but… what kind of life is that?
Here are some shots of our crazy, full, whirlwind, easy, fun, family weekend… enjoying, celebrating and cooking 🙂