Damn you Pandora. You have done it again… a simple morning of trying to clean turned into the reflective morning I have probably been avoiding for a long time. Seriously… song after song sending me a message. I am going to stay in it today… not going to swap stations to Jason Aldean Radio and get my work done in a different mood. Even when we don’t want to listen to them message and the feelings He will find a way to make us listen, tis a fact.
So here I am jotting down (well typing) the thoughts and depth of this morning. This weekend I felt as though, and voiced it several times, that I am a rollercoaster right now. I no reason to be really, but my insides are a jumble of messed up. Feelings don’t feel the way they should, hurt doesn’t register all the time, happy is a big up and then later I am in a confused fog. I don’t really know what the triggers are right now, usually I am good at nailing it down. I think it is a lot. I think in a way as I was working hard to get stronger and find me- I didn’t give enough of my heart and brain to my loss, or what I thought I was losing. I was losing a future and I don’t think I let myself get sad about it… I just functioned and moved and found fun and happy to distract me and build me. So this morning was just that… a little roundabout back to some pain I need to feel. What a complicated pile of life this has been…
So Pink, Christina Perri, Great Big World, Evanescence, Bruno Mars… and more have put me in this very spot. I guess I will make the beds and vacuum while thinking about all of this. Then again, it made me sad making Lucy’s bed and putting her sheets on wondering how long Lucy will still like the rubber alligator (ali ‘n jack) and her hulk doll on her bed. Damn you Pandora. Damn you.
Miss you darling. More than any words I can write- I freakin’ miss you.