Home.

Music can evoke feelings- all of them.  Songs can help us relate or heal… like a wedding song describing a couple or a break up song helping you feel through the emotions.  Sometimes it is the only way we can really put words to our feelings… by hearing someone else’s words.  It is the same with quotes for me… they can help me organize the feeling or thought and know what it is that I a thinking or feeling.  This is getting more confusing than I mean it to… because I obviously had a reason to write this… okay- back to it.

A while back, when I was still fighting and trying to connect with Matthew, trying to save our ‘us’ this song, Phillip Phillips ‘Home’ was a good descriptor for me. It helped me see what I was working for… that I would work to provide a home for Matthew.  That I would wait for him.  That I was work for him… and I was his home.  That we were his ‘home’.  For all of the work, for all of the time… that is not at all how this worked out.  So that song got stuffed in a spot in the back of my brain with my wedding song, romance songs and wedding crap (I am getting for tolerant of those songs…).  I much preferred things more Carrie Underwood and Sara Evans… songs to help me with angry and assure me that others have made it through this too.

Back to Phillip Phillips ‘Home’…

Driving along in my automobile… my chicken’s behind me not near the wheels.  Lucy is playing with our Kindle and listening to music with her new earphones.  They both start fighting over it so I tell them they have to pick a song and I will put it on the car speakers.  Lucy picks this song because she ‘loves it’.  That day, in the car, with the girls I heard it all differently.  It felt like we were home… “Hold on to me as we go along, as we roll down this unfamiliar road… although this wave is stringing us along- Just know you’re not alone…  ‘Cause I’m gonna make this place your home”.  Those chickens are my home… I am their home.  I will always provide them a safe place to land and love and be.  I will always be there for them… I will always be their home.  I told them as the song was playing that this song is a really special and that I like the way it describes home… and that I think it’s a good song for us.

Matthew always used to say “hindsight is 20/20”.  ‘Tis true… perspective changes with time.  I see things differently… I feel things differently.  It is strange how strong one can feel something and then not anymore… to use the same words or song to define something different.  Maybe I saw ‘home’ as different back then, maybe I imagined Matthew wanting to be a part of our ‘home’… maybe my home has always been my girls.  Who knows, I guess even with time I haven’t gotten the clearest hindsight… but I am better than before.  I love my ‘home’.

 

So this is Christmas, my dear.

So Happy Christmas… today is the day.  It will be special and different… an adventure.  I am glad my parents came to help in this adventure… not only to help wrap and put together the dollhouse, but because I am glad to have them here for this different.  Different is the new normal.  Weird huh?  How changing things is more normal than a regular and scheduled time.  Change is inevitable, we all know this… but really change is in everything and everyday.  I guess God wants us to get more flexible.

This amazing video makes me… cry some and smile.  It makes my skin prickle and my heart feel heavy… then light just a millisecond after.  The song itself is powerful… but the singer is who strikes me emotions and my ears.  She is a teenager.  She is a singer.  She is a student.  She is a sister.  She is a daughter.  All of these things are her… and she is lovely and talented.  She is also sick.  She is an amazing girl with a bucket list (ps her bucket list tells her personality).  You can not see her sick, you can not see her hard journey or choices she has had to be a part of recently.  You can not see the hurting or her struggles.  You see Ana.  You see Ana’s gift.  I love that most…

This song has always been a thought provoker… it sounds so calm and smooth- then the words bring some of the hard parts of life in.  It also brings wishes for ALL to enjoy and make it a Happy Christmas and New Year.  It’s a different song for Christmas… not peppy and positive, but honest and calm and real.  It isn’t religious.  It is profound in the hope of a lighter and happier year.  A year that lacks war and fear- a good year for all.  In a way it speaks in a perspective that we ALL enjoy what we have the best we can and love it… if that makes sense.  There is always war (in the world and in our lives) there is always fear… but the hope is that we all find a happy year and Christmas in that turmoil.  I, obviously, know that a war was just over as well, in the time it was written.  This song is more about overall though… at least in my brain and heart.  So this song, sung by the lovely Ana, means a lot.

So… for me this song is a little gift, a little light.  It is a reminder of the light and spirit and looking for the love and peace… the connections and threads.  I am so comfortable getting to know Ana’s mom, she is amazing.  This connection to her has brought another mom that has seen big hard things…. that still sees the light.  She is real and candid and she has shared and written things that have really helped me. I am glad for the connection… thankful.  I have never met this family, but the thread is there.

‘So this is Christmas, what have you done?  Another year older, a new one just begun… A very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Let’s hope it’s a good one… Without any fear… ‘

So as we all celebrate and enjoy our today… I wish you a Happy Christmas.  I wish you a lovely New Year.  I wish you the hope and the perspective to see the light and love and real… to really be happy.  I hope you let yourself connect to those people when a thread is connected.  I hope you can see each of us for what we are… not for what we are doing, fighting, seeing, thinking, struggling with… but for what we are.  I hope you can smile and laugh even in the hard times.  I hope you pray and open up… and get naked sometimes (not naked naked… but vulnerable)… only when we share our vulnerability can we connect beyond surface.  Let others light in, celebrate their good life and success.  Let go of some of the ‘wars’ in your life… So this is Christmas- the war is over.  Let it go.  Let the light in.

Merry Christmas darling.  Thank you for the connections and support and love… I freakin’ love you, every bit of you.  I flippin’ miss you- your good, your bad.  You are with Jesus for Christmas… which I know is a good place to be.  Someday…. my darling I will be there with you, til then keep guiding and connecting.  Keep showing lights… goodnight boogerbutt.

Happy Birthday Jesus.  Thank you.  Always thank you…

Christmas with Madeline.

xmas1 xmas2   Christmas with Mads will never feel the same as it once did… but I will tell you then her tree, her people, her spot and some terribly sung Christmas carols were a darn good way to bring her along into this week.  It is my favorite to see her friends and my girls gather around her tree and bring her ornaments up.  It is simple and festive and happy… underneath those littles know this loss but they are there.  It takes a strong brave child to visit their friend at a cemetery and though it may not look like it in the moments up there, it takes an awesome parent and friend to come up and share those moments with me and for me.  Everyone leaves there with their holiday plans and memories to make… and I know their cost in this.  it costs your heart energy and hurt to go there and see what we are missing.  There is a significant cost… but those amazing people continue to pay that cost to share her, to remember her, to support us… I am so very thankful.  I love talking and seeing and singing and hugging and seeing the kids growth… even at the high cost to my heart, mind and soul.

Some friends couldn’t make it, much of my family is far away… but I now they are here.  They honor her, share her, bring her along on adventures, talk about her and love our family.  I know that they are here… along for this crazy, messy, emotionally expensive ride that is our life.  I love seeing those family and friends taking lots of pictures of their kids, taking them on crazy and spontaneous adventures and make their own ‘best days ever’… that is what this is all about.

Christmas is different but it is not bad… there is joy and happy and busy and funny and real.  There is celebration and connections and light… this holiday season is about the light and birth of Jesus.  In the thick of it that light is what got us through… that light, sometimes, was the only light.  Then those connections and threads that I know God made for us brought more light, an a little more light… to the place we are now- a hard place with much light.  Even on a painful and thick and heavy day… there is light, even when I chose not follow it or see it for a day.  This season is about celebrating this light… the birth of this light.  So… is it dark to know this loss?  It is.  She brings light though… she brings support, she sends hugs, she in those connections and threads and supporters and mountain movers and builders… she is with Him.

So Merry Christmas Madeline.  I miss Christmas with you here… here to hug and touch and see and nibble… but you are here, I just cant nibble you or touch your hair.  You are here.  You are loved.  You are remembered.  You are honored.  You bring light to so many who carry and live in dark… Love you butthead- to the moon and back- to infinity and beyond… Merry Christmas darling.

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A Superhero… who traded his cape for wings…

Today we remember and honor Devon… like everyday for many. Send your mom and sisters a hug bud…

climbing up the polka dot tree

Devon

Yesterday… what a pile of emotions… so hard to find correct words and to define feelings…

Yesterday, a family we have met on our journey, said goodbye to their amazing Superhero and Maddie welcomed a new friend… a friend who had a very different DIPG experience, a friend who was older when he was diagnosed and when he took off for heaven… but I know she was glad to see him, glad our families met and her foundation got to help his family.

I feel such a sadness for his family, for just like us, we regular humans don’t posess Superhero powers or strength- nor are we blessed with all the peace and grace of an angel… our angels are okay, but we are broken.  We will have an empty to carry forever, we will have a pain that’s unbearable, we will stand and move with a numbness that is not…

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The gift that makes me late…

An electric blanket… the gift that makes me look bad.

I was late again… the past week I have been late anytime I lay down in my bed.  Last week I crashed and almost missed the bus… and every.single.day we have school we are late.  I blame it on the electric blanket.  That thing makes it impossible to leave my bed… seriously.  It is freakin’ amazing and the devil all in one.

When I was home for Thanksgiving I was joking about how I wish I could hire someone to warm my bed up, my room is freezing and unheated (old, true cape cod).   Needless to say it is really hard to open up the cold sheets and climb in… but I must.  Last week a package came from target- an electric blanket.  BAM.  I even knew who got it.  The girls insisted they sleep with me that night and we had our first bout of being late and missing the bus because we all slept so warm and cozy until 8:30… I texted my sister-in-law thank you but I think the gift would have been kinder if it included a really loud alarm clock and a butler to bring me my coffee  (or a wife… if I had a wife I could count on her for coffee and alarm clocks… and dishes and good fashion advice… crap maybe I just need a wife????)  Anyway back to story… we have been lazy and late since that blanket came to live here.  Maybe it was my forced slow down… maybe it is a blessing in disguise.  I know that I will never, well until summer, sleep without it.  I have decided that even if it is an evil blanket it is staying right there until the sun comes back out and there is no more COLD and BITTER nights.

You know what was the best?  The thought that my sister-in-law and brother just sent it… and wanted me to know that they send love and think of us lots.  I love that.  I love when people just send thoughtful gifts and just let me know they are supporting and carrying still.  I feel like there are lil elves… a family friend sent an amazon gift card to get the girls something special… <3.  Its special to know my girls are loved… Thank you elves.

The missing.

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Once upon a time, in a land that seems so far away… there were a pile of Musto’s that all lived under the same roof, celebrated holidays and birthdays together and ate dinner in our dining room.  Wow does it look different now.  The pile has gotten much smaller only 3 out of 5 of us live under this roof… 2 of those 3 head out to another roof to be a split up separate family there.  Those moments are ever more visible and tangible in the holidays… memories and traditions bring back vivid pictures and thoughts and hurting… alongside smiles and warmth.  It is very clear that something is missing this holiday season… something big.

Last year there was hope for ‘we’ in our marriage, so Christmas was full and still looked mildly similar to other years.  This year I have no hope for a marriage, but excitement for some new normal.  It feels good not to be in a limbo… maybe even a game, I don’t know.  It feels fresh to just start over this year.  I am trying to do what feels good for me and the girls and make sure we bring bits of old in, with our new family-under-our-roof.  I am trying to be supportive and positive about the new in their family-under-the-other-roof.  I want them to find a new normal with Matthew.  Nothing looks the same… but for the first time since Madeline is gone and Matthew has moved on I am excited and ready and taking in all of this.  We set out to get our tree… a tradition that I melded to work into our smaller clan.  Traditionally we have a photo of Matthew walking with the tree and first year Madeline, then Madeline and Amelia… then Lucy.  It was a big tradition, I always felt so proud to share.  I am proud this year… though it stings a bit.

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This year there will be no cards, I am still not there yet.  There is no grand holiday letter to share and photos that I am ready to be put up on your cabinets.  I did make a big jump, I feel, in the taking pictures department.  I actually signed up to have my girls pictures taken.  I have not had the girls pictures taken since Madeline was alive, professionally.  I didn’t want to.  I couldn’t figure out how to pull Madeline into them, and not feel like she was missing.  She is missing.  Amelia and Lucy are still growing.  Amelia and Lucy need to have their growth and changes documented.  Someday I will want to look back and see those things that are different from then to now… those things that have changed.  For now… it feels like a big freakin’ hole of missing.  Sometimes it feels just fine, but for some reason pictures of the girls feel like they are missing something- an awkward and smiling 8 year old.  I feel like I made a big jump even though it was scary.  So one night I jumped on a spontaneous mini session with my lovely Kidography.  She was funny and easy… and assured the girls that she could edit out the big knee of mud that Lucy managed to get… I loved the pictures.  I love the JOY… I felt like that was a bright addition to photos missing someone.  How did I pull Madeline into this one… I couldn’t find a good thought for an outfit.  I didn’t want to go all Christmas with PJ’s and traditional holiday.  I didn’t want fancy, fancy dresses.  I wanted simple and ‘Musto’.  I remembered a set of Land’s End fair isle sweaters that I ordered for Madeline and Amelia.  I meant for them to wear them for holiday things the year before Madeline passed.  Madeline was a pain in the butt about clothes.  I feared her throwing a fit about the sweater being itchy or something so… I bought a set of dresses and went that route.  I still have these sweaters  in the girls closet.  I couldn’t seem to put them away.  I had hopes that Amelia and Lucy would wear them.  I had forgotten about those two sweaters… until then.  Though they were a little too small we compromised and got under clothes to show off the sweaters as shirts… not tunics :).  So in a way a bit of Madeline, Madeline’s sweater,  was in those pictures… and they came out awesome.  I am thankful for this help in documenting life right now.  As hard as it is to see the missing… it is important to bring this into the future too.

Even in the missing, there is joy and warmth and love and people and life and adventures.  Even in the dark we find light… in the missing we keep moving and growing.

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I am a grown up.

I feel like a grown up.  I feel like a grown up… when did that happen?  Here I am 32 years old, always wondering when I would be a grown up.  For all the junk I have been through one would assume I was already a grown up.  College, marriage, death of my daughter, divorce, running a foundation, being a mom to a bunch of kids… kind of re-entering the work force… those are all grown up things.  However, I never feel like a grown up.  I think in my brain I always thought of a grown up as someone who wears pencil skirts and goes to meetings and talks to politicians.  I have no idea why I assumed that… but hey it sounded right in my immature mind.  So today I worked out at the Y and took a shower.  I got dressed as quick as I could and had to find a nice woman to zip me up.  I did my hair and put on my most professional and holiday flower (a felt poinsettia).  I fixed my belt and put on black conservative cardigan and the matching flower pin.  I went all business grown up with a pinch of Erin.  Voila… I left the Y to head to a playdate and then to an interview.  This interview was planned a while ago with an Assemblyman for my area, Angelo Santabarbara.  He does Assembly Updates and was going to talk to me about our role in the community.  I was nervous and early but I kept it together.  I was all grown up.

So many are reading this thinking “that isn’t a big deal”… he is just a guy, he puts his pants on one leg at a time.  I will say I have a habit of making bosses and people of authority as intimidating.  As I keep growing up and seeing things differently I am noticing that people aren’t scary, even when they have more demanding or authoritative jobs… or even when they are smarter than me.  I am starting to see that I am a valuable me, I can be professional with a dash of ‘me’ and a pinch of bad vocabulary.  I am starting to see my self as grown up- but not in a bad way or old way but a confident way.  I was intimidated because I felt that my brain and thoughts weren’t as important as someone else’s.  It is silly really.  All this waiting to grow up and today I felt like a grown up… grown up and ready to do an important job and share my voice.  Jeez… I went off target with this one.  Anywho… today I donned some grown up clothes and felt solid and comfortable.  I felt like a grown up sharing what I need to share…

Angelo was really great.  I have heard great things about him and his involvement in this community here.  I felt comfortable and open talking to him.  He felt very real and honest… it was refreshing.  Sometimes I feel like so many public people and people of authority aren’t open and honest and real… but I will say the feeling I got from this Assemblyman was like a real guy who loves his area and is working to help others help his community.  I was honored that he read and talked about the ‘best day ever’ Sunday.  We both agreed that the most amazing part was all of the people who came to show their support and prayers and the sense of community for the Bushey Family.  That many families who have lost their children or seen their child fight childhood cancer came together to help them and lift them… it was special.  I felt like he understood that it is all of our jobs to do this… to be a great community.

So today was a good day… today was a busy dy.  I got to wear clicky shoes and a professional dress… I got to be video taped and interviewed and I got to walk the marble hallways of the State Office buildings and be on time for my meeting.  BAM… I am a grown up.  Thankfully being a grown up is way cooler than I thought.

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Mother did you know?

Watch and Listen… then read.

This song makes me cry and gives me goose bumps.  I have always loved this song, but this version is so rich and full.  I love the way they broke it up and brought all of those amazing voices together.  I mostly love the song though… amazing and profound words.  Imagine… It makes you wonder if Mary knew these details that were so important in her son’s life.  We all know that she knew she was having Jesus… but did she really understand what He was?  My brain has been wondering that lately.  Imagine what it would be like to be the mother of Jesus.  I can not.  I was not made to do that job.  I just wonder what goes through a mother’s mind when her son is Heaven’s Perfect Lamb- the Great I Am.  What is that like?  Did she worry more than we do, did she understand the vastness of his reign or job?  Imagine seeing your child die hung on a cross… but know He was fulfilling His job here.  I can not imagine the trust and faith she must have had… what is it like to know that you baby boy is so much different, more powerful and created for a role that is almost unbelievable if you don’t trust and have faith.   “Mary did you know???”

Mother did you know?

These thoughts come full circle in my brain.  Did I know that my daughters were made to be different, special and amazing.  Did I know that my daughter’s short life would be profound and powerful and positive?   My daughter is not Jesus, but her life meant so much.  I believe all children (and adults) lives are make for something special.  We are made with purpose… though my lovely ‘didn’t come to make me new’ and she ‘didn’t give sight to a blind man’… but I tell you she fulfilled her purpose.  Each of my daughter’s have a purpose, a gift.  In Madeline’s life she taught so many so much, in her death she has changed people and helped people.  Her name and story, her legacy, has a purpose- yesterday, today, tomorrow.  I was made to be her mom, to help her serve her purpose.  I was made for a purpose… I believe I am finding mine as I grow and change and understand my faith more.  I believe God made me to be a storyteller… and carry legacy and life and support to the ones He brings into my life.

I believe my daughters have important purpose and gifts… as do all of our children.  I also believe that we are made to use our gifts toward our purpose.  If we stray from our purpose we aren’t happy or content.  If we use our gifts for selfish reasons we will not flourish the way we should.  God creates brilliant minds that at capable of profound things, but this is a gift, to be used for something more than each of us.  I think of the awesomeness of a surgeon who can operate on a new babies heart, or a child who has a tumor wrapped around their aorta- how can his hands stay solid?  Where does she get the bravery to trust her hands and judgement?  Many, many people can write code, code that could change the world.  Millions of people are smart and bold enough to build a business and make a profit.  I believe that true success though lies in being unselfish with the smart, the bold, the steady, the good judgment.  I believe we should use our gift for the one who gave it to us… use our gift with grace and gratefulness.  I don’t believe we shouldn’t prosper or really enjoy life- someday when I grow up I would love a hobby farm and a good long trip to Greece… but I want to use my gift and my purpose and work toward those things with faith, a bit of pride and a lot of thanks.

So… as a mother or a father it is our job to raise our children to honor their gifts.  To fulfill their purpose.  This world would be so much more positive if we all worked and paid attention to our purpose and our talents… and used them toward positive’s that don’t overextend us.  As a mother or father we are made to build our children to use their gifts… to give them encouragement, accountability, respect, love, discipline, safety an courage… to use their special and their gifts and their talents to fulfil their purpose.  I know inside of me that Madeline’s purpose was huge.  God has kept her safe… I do not believe that God gave Madeline cancer, but he wrote the purpose in her journey.  I would take her back and help her fill another purpose in a moment… but that isn’t the real.  My purpose is to bring her with me, share this journey, learn from my mistakes, build my girls, build myself and tell that story.  It isn’t as profound or as holy or important as Jesus… but I assure you each of us is made to be important and successful, each of us has true purpose.

Did I know that my lovely girl would lose her life at just 5?  Did I know that Madeline would guide us to the places we need to be and the purposes she needed to fulfill?  Did I know that my girls would be so understanding and open?  Do we really ever get to know?  Did Mary know…did she understand?  I don’t think she did… or she would have wrapped Jesus in a suit of armor and never let him serve his great purpose.  We must just move and listen and trust and have faith…

❤ love you darling.  I love your purpose, I miss your dimples.  Keep guiding me with my purpose…

A best day ever… and beyond.

Refections on a day well done… I am ending this day proud and tired and happy and sad and full and content… I am all of those things and probably 12 more if I had the brain to think out the rest.  I am mostly honored.  Today many amazing people gave up their time (the most valuable resource) to take care of and help another family that they are safe and surrounded and loved.  I learned so much when Madeline passed away and was (still am) constantly blessed with strong, smart and helpful people.  I try to help organize and show other families who are experiencing their worst case scenario that they are loved, they are carried and the world has got their back. I don’t know how the heck today came together… I never know.  I just trust that the Big Guy is in the details and the threads and connections.  He makes it all work even when it doesn’t work as planned (honestly though… when does the plan work???)  So the crazy amounts of details for today worked.  I know inside of me that the essence of a ‘best day ever’ was there… the full and true meaning of a ‘best day ever’.  It was even more meaningful and profound to me that it was a light not only to Kalina, but to many others.  In a time when light is hard to see or find… when news and life is full of darkness, hard times, anger and turmoil… when the news is full of riots, fighting, brokenness… there was a light- a bright light. I don’t often get emotional, it isn’t really the way that I feel my feelings.  Seeing Kalina get her makeup done and joke around with a funny State Trooper who came to visit and deliver a gift… I saw her lovely and strong Nanna get all dolled up.  I saw real profound and powerful strength and beauty in that room.  When Kalina got to see her purple Christmas laced with silver and a mantle that her dad was the centerpiece… she was so surprised.  I heard her gasp and I saw her feel the moment deeply.  Earlier in the day I delivered the coolest 12 year old girl outfit I have ever seen… A Paramore tunic, rocker leggings and buckle boots… Kalina is not a normal, peppy 12 year old she is special.  She is bold and funny and smart and sassy.  I loved that she told us what she would like.  What a gift, some adults still can’t do that.  I brought her outfit and a hot cocoa with whipped cream.  She opened the boots and squealed, she loved the shirt… SHE COULD NOT WAIT TO GET DRESSED.  I told her don’t worry so much more is coming (and Paramore is sending a special gift).  In her excitement she broke down.  She said “I don’t deserve this”.  I told her that she is a very special girl and she is very strong and she so deserves this.  That all of those people outside WANT to do this for you… they WANT you to be pampered and feel special.  They WANT your family to have what you all need…. they WANT you to spend your time together as a family not raking, decorating and cooking.  We WANT to take care of those things.  This is all for you and your Nanna and your Papa.  When Kalina saw the crowds of festive families and groups gathered in front of her house she was so surprised… it was powerful to see.  She greeted those families and supporters in a happy and brave way… Kalina listened to hundred’s of people singing just.for.her.  Her grandparents were honored.  She went inside  to rest and open gifts… and those amazing people went back to their lives, lighter and more full at the same time.  Kalina was happy.  She was very beautiful and happy. Now the world’s job is to keep up the praying, the carrying and the love… ❤ I stood in the crowd with my girls, freezing since I forgot to grab my coat from my car.  I kissed my chicks and just loved being right next to them for that special night.  I loved watching them be there and smile and tell me “there are people on the roof watching” or “why are there two santas… “.  I am supremely blessed.  I was emotional right then and there.  I stood in a huge crowd, surrounded by strangers and friends… and I felt that I had my three girls right here for this.  I know that Madeline is taking care of this business…. though she can’t hurry up UPS on delivery of a purple Christmas tree she helps combine the people and show us the threads… she takes care of the lovelies that she will be taking care of soon… I know it is her job.  I stood there pinching Lucy’s underwearless butt and telling her “i freakin’ love you”… I kissed Meme’s head and watched her try to read the carols with her new reading brain… I freakin’ love them.  I missed them this weekend.  Those chickens are my life… just like Kalina is her Nanna’s life.  We love, pray, carry, hope, cry, laugh, hide, scream, sing… we love our lovelies.  Forever and always… to the moon and back… to infinity and beyond.  Kalina is loved.  Madeline is loved.  In that crowd I was surrounded and overwhelmed with feelings… happy, hard, sad, joy, comfort, love, loss, fear, strength… all.of.the.above.  The mix of feelings makes us know we feel… happy in the sad, joy in the tears and strength in the hard… I am proud to have gotten to show Kalina that she is loved, surrounded, carried and brave.  I loved that at the end of the day she knew she owned this day.  It was her ‘best day ever’.  I am honored that they let us do this for her… that so many families who have lost a lovely got to have a hand in it.  We are not alone… Here are some pictures of Kalina’s ‘best day ever’… if you would like to help the family with medical expenses and help let me know… add Kalina to your prayer list.  Thank you all for helping me climb up this crazy polka dot tree and keep living and breathing and getting through.  Best.People.Ever. kalina10 kalina9 kalina8 kalina7 kalina5 kalina4 kalina3 Kalina2 kalina1