What are the expectations? What does a person want when they cross a boundary, a physical one or an invisible one. I struggle with this. Is it way to hurt a person so you feel better, is it a way to get a reaction… or maybe even approval and forgiveness for past deeds and actions. I have worked VERY hard at creating boundaries and staying safe. Often I let my guard down only to get a small reminder or a big smack to get that fence back up to where it needs to be. It is hard for me to understand why people who have hurt you would want to enter your gate and get in… but I am sure it is a way for them to feel betterish or something like that.
Once upon a time I was a woman of few boundaries… personal, emotional, physical and social. I didn’t know how to have boundaries. Earlier this year I was introduced to a book called ‘Better Boundaries” and it really impacted me. It was read and processed just before many of the hard and hurtful relationships that were there fell apart. It is yet another way I know The Big Guy has been sending me in the right directions… giving me tools to get through. He is helping me ‘build me’… which is proving to be a complicated task. I always go 5 steps forward and fall back like 10… then forward 5 and back 2… so eventually there will be some real tangible differences. I know though the He has my back in this, heck, He has my hand when I fall… it is His way. I go back to the beginning of this year and the searching for my way… and I see the preparations He laid in place. Safe places for me to be, a counsellor who gets me (and doesn’t think I am crazy) and tools to get through this. He laid it there and I sometimes skipped the prep and went for wine and snacks with girlfriends… but the scaffolding was laid then. He pushed boundaries over and over… the need for them, the ability to create and maintain them and the ability to start again when I failed.
What does a boundary mean to a person who is not supposed to enter your fence, a person who injured you deeply? I think they feel the need to try to help themselves more than me (or anyone for that matter). I think when you hurt a person it can be very hard to sleep at night. So you do what you need to find sleep or balance or easy or I imagine an escape from the guilt of choosing to lie, deceive, break, injure or betray a person. In moments like this I am glad that I sleep- minus nightmares about the hurtful people… I didn’t do those hurtful things. Even in my imperfect, I do not have guilt to carry in this. I have a pile of pissed off and angry and hurt to get rid of… but these boundaries help with that. It is getting easier. I am getting better.
I think about the lessons in this and the purpose in this part of the journey… and I know it is about letting go. I am supposed to let it go… travel on. I think the boundaries purpose is to remind me that letting go does not mean letting in. I am going to be strong and let it go and move on, sometimes very slowly… but I am not to let it back in. It isn’t my job to fix it, or fix them and their guilt or hurt. I am only to take care of me, build me… travel on and let go. God doesn’t want those people to travel with me. My boundary lesson is just that… and I am sure your is as well… to travel on and build a safe path, throw an ‘unopenable’ gate up for the people who are toxic. DO NOT CARRY THEM ALONG… don’t carry them along in your mad, your sad, your heart, your happy… their place is outside your fence. I am working on it… always working on it. I am preparing myself for the next time someone tries to come into my fence (that isn’t welcome or bringing wine for the party…).
Boundaries are a gift… a tool in this. Boundaries are a building block in His support in me ‘building me’.