Christmas with Madeline.

xmas1 xmas2   Christmas with Mads will never feel the same as it once did… but I will tell you then her tree, her people, her spot and some terribly sung Christmas carols were a darn good way to bring her along into this week.  It is my favorite to see her friends and my girls gather around her tree and bring her ornaments up.  It is simple and festive and happy… underneath those littles know this loss but they are there.  It takes a strong brave child to visit their friend at a cemetery and though it may not look like it in the moments up there, it takes an awesome parent and friend to come up and share those moments with me and for me.  Everyone leaves there with their holiday plans and memories to make… and I know their cost in this.  it costs your heart energy and hurt to go there and see what we are missing.  There is a significant cost… but those amazing people continue to pay that cost to share her, to remember her, to support us… I am so very thankful.  I love talking and seeing and singing and hugging and seeing the kids growth… even at the high cost to my heart, mind and soul.

Some friends couldn’t make it, much of my family is far away… but I now they are here.  They honor her, share her, bring her along on adventures, talk about her and love our family.  I know that they are here… along for this crazy, messy, emotionally expensive ride that is our life.  I love seeing those family and friends taking lots of pictures of their kids, taking them on crazy and spontaneous adventures and make their own ‘best days ever’… that is what this is all about.

Christmas is different but it is not bad… there is joy and happy and busy and funny and real.  There is celebration and connections and light… this holiday season is about the light and birth of Jesus.  In the thick of it that light is what got us through… that light, sometimes, was the only light.  Then those connections and threads that I know God made for us brought more light, an a little more light… to the place we are now- a hard place with much light.  Even on a painful and thick and heavy day… there is light, even when I chose not follow it or see it for a day.  This season is about celebrating this light… the birth of this light.  So… is it dark to know this loss?  It is.  She brings light though… she brings support, she sends hugs, she in those connections and threads and supporters and mountain movers and builders… she is with Him.

So Merry Christmas Madeline.  I miss Christmas with you here… here to hug and touch and see and nibble… but you are here, I just cant nibble you or touch your hair.  You are here.  You are loved.  You are remembered.  You are honored.  You bring light to so many who carry and live in dark… Love you butthead- to the moon and back- to infinity and beyond… Merry Christmas darling.

xmas6 xmas5 xmas4 xmas3



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