Home.

Music can evoke feelings- all of them.  Songs can help us relate or heal… like a wedding song describing a couple or a break up song helping you feel through the emotions.  Sometimes it is the only way we can really put words to our feelings… by hearing someone else’s words.  It is the same with quotes for me… they can help me organize the feeling or thought and know what it is that I a thinking or feeling.  This is getting more confusing than I mean it to… because I obviously had a reason to write this… okay- back to it.

A while back, when I was still fighting and trying to connect with Matthew, trying to save our ‘us’ this song, Phillip Phillips ‘Home’ was a good descriptor for me. It helped me see what I was working for… that I would work to provide a home for Matthew.  That I would wait for him.  That I was work for him… and I was his home.  That we were his ‘home’.  For all of the work, for all of the time… that is not at all how this worked out.  So that song got stuffed in a spot in the back of my brain with my wedding song, romance songs and wedding crap (I am getting for tolerant of those songs…).  I much preferred things more Carrie Underwood and Sara Evans… songs to help me with angry and assure me that others have made it through this too.

Back to Phillip Phillips ‘Home’…

Driving along in my automobile… my chicken’s behind me not near the wheels.  Lucy is playing with our Kindle and listening to music with her new earphones.  They both start fighting over it so I tell them they have to pick a song and I will put it on the car speakers.  Lucy picks this song because she ‘loves it’.  That day, in the car, with the girls I heard it all differently.  It felt like we were home… “Hold on to me as we go along, as we roll down this unfamiliar road… although this wave is stringing us along- Just know you’re not alone…  ‘Cause I’m gonna make this place your home”.  Those chickens are my home… I am their home.  I will always provide them a safe place to land and love and be.  I will always be there for them… I will always be their home.  I told them as the song was playing that this song is a really special and that I like the way it describes home… and that I think it’s a good song for us.

Matthew always used to say “hindsight is 20/20”.  ‘Tis true… perspective changes with time.  I see things differently… I feel things differently.  It is strange how strong one can feel something and then not anymore… to use the same words or song to define something different.  Maybe I saw ‘home’ as different back then, maybe I imagined Matthew wanting to be a part of our ‘home’… maybe my home has always been my girls.  Who knows, I guess even with time I haven’t gotten the clearest hindsight… but I am better than before.  I love my ‘home’.

 

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