The last big shocker, the last big hurt…

My daughter’s will be sisters again, to a brother, I hear.  Their Father is expecting a boy in the spring.

My lovelies LOVE babies.  They love their siblings, they love their cousins.  They love family.  They are very excited for the new life and the new little white house with a nice window (“that I just have to see mommy”).  They are children.

I am thankful for amazing family and friends who take care of me and are honest with me.  I am conflicted with this news. I hate thinking that two people who were such big pieces of my life would be so deceitful and dishonest… building a relationship when I still had trust and love for them. A chunk of me knows that new life is always welcome, God made that life.  So I am torn Erin.

Why does this hurt so much???  You would think at this point I would be done hurting.  I think I have hurt enough, but this still hurts. I have serious doubts about the relationship my girls’ father has created and the “family” that this new baby will have. I question the foundation which I don’t believe was sincere or honest. I question the deception that was imposed upon me. It is not the way I choose to live my life, and it is not the foundation of integrity and honesty that I hope to instill in my girls.

Through this I am learning that I need to sever a lot of ties.  I need to create a fence and get on my way to taking care of me and my girls in the more respectful and responsible way.  I can not layer people who are fighting for Matthew’s character and loving up on him.  I need distance.  I need space.  I need to not be a part of people who are going throw a baby shower.  I need just to get to a place where nothing they do hurts me anymore… I need a big freakin’ scab to heal over all of this.

So my daughters will have a brother.  A miracle in a mess.  I have some real and true worries for my girls in this.  I am going to do the best I can to let them show him their love and affection… maybe they are his gift in life. God has a plan in this, maybe my girls are his map out of messy… maybe they will be in charge of making sure he knows Madeline and has real solid feelings that he knows how to share. .  I hope they can show him truth and trust and real life.  I hope they have adventures with him that blow their mind.  I will try to redirect my sad into this knowledge… that my girls are his gift.

As for me… I will make it to bedtime again tonight.  I will wake up and run and do kickboxing and hang with my girls this weekend.  I will catch up on life and chores.  We will entertain one of our favorite sleepover partners for 2 nights (<3 cousin Tara).  I will move and live and work and run and breathe and sometimes I will break down and feel it all.  Soon it won’t hurt so much.


I love you darling.  Send me some love… take good care of this mess.



PS… a small part of me wants to do the ‘Love Actually’ dance in the stairway… a dance that says “I am free, I am free… I am single and free… ”



3 thoughts on “The last big shocker, the last big hurt…

  1. if only the dance was real…….. and there were a movie ending here…. instead its all real life…. but lucky for all of us, that means real you…… ever amazing….. finding the miracle in the mess….


  2. I feel your pain and would love to punch sense into people but I know this is wrong. Know that Karma is real. To you karma will bring a wonderful life. Not without pain or hurdles but it will be wonderful. To those who lived a life of lies and deceit will feel the wrath of karma. Erin, .you are a wonderful person. always be honest to your girls (age appropriate of course) never lie to make someone else’s lies seem less horrible. Remember that a relationship begun on lies and deceit will end the same way.


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