The pain in these circumstances is actually kind of freeing. It doesn’t make sense all the way, but it really is. I am more free than I was a week ago. I am more sure I am healthy and dealing and feeling. I am more capable of seeing the boundaries I need to maintain. These bits are only possible after feeling the pain that I have had to endure. Tonight I feel free… a little more me, a little more excited for future me… a little more prepared to get there.
Pain is bearable… though I cant always talk myself into bearing it when I am working out (I am really a weinie)… it is bearable. We get to the other side. I am far from the other side but I think I am step farther from where I was last week and 10 weeks ago and a year ago. In moments when another day seems far away, another day almost always comes. Here I am today… it was a good day. I am in a good spot. I feel lighter and more free than I did… like a hold on me is gone. The past is severed, though I know I will miss the past sometimes- screw it… I have lots to see, feel and be.
This hurt and pain get me to this spot… maybe I should be thankful for it (shut up Erin it is way to early for that… ). Pain is important on this journey, for us all. Our pain looks different, our tolerance is different, our defense mechanisms are different and our coping strategies are different. Our stories are different, though, too… our gifts and blessings are different. With no pain would we know how to feel the amazing? Would we feel all of the happy or deep love? Pain helps me gauge my emotions, and make sure I am healthy- dealing and feeling in a healthy way.
Why does this pain help me feel and know I am free? Pain helps sever relationships that are toxic or just over, just as intimacy and vulnerability help build relationships. This pain helps me see the end, a solid and real end. I am going to just keep moving, letting go of this weight. In fact I woke up physically lighter the past couple of days (an I don’t think it’s the working out and vacation dieting I have been doing)… I think it was lifted. I think the Big Guy saw his daughter hurting and He lifted some of the weight of this pain. Today I felt lighter… and more me. I am sure tomorrow I will be even more Erin… watch people :).
Through the pain I will keep chuggin’ and breathing and running and living and laughing and believing… I will keep building me.