Space and boundaries. Those have been emphasized throughout… like God is repeating and reminding (telling me to get this down pat and understand He has put it there for months). Space an
d boundaries are new to me, struggles for me. Some people naturally give themselves space and create boundaries… not.so.much for this chick. I have spent many a month learning this lesson, and am now maintaining a fence that is nicely painted and standing tall. I am doing this… I am stsarting to build ‘me’, Erin, as the Erin that got through this and rocked out the other side (for we all know I am going to rock out the other side… wobbly bits and all). I am starting to see the person that is going to pull through this and be fresh me. I won’t be angry ‘me’, all sad me… I wont be confused me… I won’t be torn me. I will be new ‘me’ and I know I am going to love her.
Sitting here tonight I am thinking about some of the sting in this. I am thinking about some of the loss. About 3 months ago… I had two families. I had my side and Matthew’s side. I had in-laws and a soon-to-be-ex that I tried to maintain a trusting and honest ‘almost’ friendship with (what a boundary breaker that is). Fast forward to today… It is me, my girls (who have two families), my family and my amazing friends. It freakin’ looks different. It feels different. It is different. It makes me sad, mad and sometimes glad. It will never look like it did only weeks ago, but it will never hurt as much as it did then either…. it is now today and now is getting better.
Tonight I had one of those boundary phone calls… the ones that hurt and sting but create the groundwork for a healthier me (and maybe a healthier other person). This boundary stinks, but it is a need. Goodbye freaking stinks. I am getting better at it, not in the “goodbye, see ya later way” but the “goodbye, take care of you and I will take care of me”. I can not use my energy to carry and take care of people who are on a… different team. I am on the get me better team, they are on the get him better team… we all lose some points along the way, sometimes we score a crazy touchdown or 3 pointer… (I apologize for my weak sports comparison), sometimes we have our A game and carry through… other times we lose. We flat out lose, 55-0. We struggle, we move, we live, breathe, sing, play, run and chug… we must make boundaries and keep our heart, brain and soul safe and healthy. I can not encourage or build the other team… they have a new life, a new girl, a new baby… a new, fresh start for them and their side. I need to work to ‘build me’… I need to surround myself with people who build me. I need to be around people who have my best interests and my daughters in mind.
Back to the phone call…. goodbye stinks. Goodbye to get better hurts. I just know in me I must… it must hurt on both sides. I guess it’ll get easier and better in time… I used to have a spot at a table, another family… but I have my family now. I have lost my seat at the dining room table, my place in that family. I know that soon it won’t hurt so much, in fact it has gotten better ten fold in the weeks since this boundary was reinstated and upheld. It hurt more then than now… for that I am thankful. I am better about my brain not thinking about the new baby and the messy life he is entering. I
don’t think of the fact that my old husband will be sharing hugely important moments in a labor and delivery room. Those were moments I shared with him, only him. Now… he has a newbie. So I let go. I let go of the family I had when I was married to him. I let go of him and the dreams we shared. I let go of trusting him. I let go of sharing Madeline and her moments with him. I let go of caring what he does, or what his family does. I must let it go… just like the crazy awesome song. I must let the goodbye sting and build me. I must let them build them.
So sting away… I will get better, I will get stronger. I will be ok. To those hurting right now, because of this boundary, you will get better soon too. I guess that helps, in this hurt… we will all get better if we chose. I choose “yes”… I choose happy, I choose safe boundaries. It freakin’ works. God likes boundaries, that’s why He gifted them to us. So settle with the hurt from goodbyes, jump over the pain of those moments… at the next place… the better and the stronger. Stronger in the stinking goodbyes….