What a cold week off, not that most of you are surprised by this statement… it has been cold EVERYWHERE (minus Antigua, should have gone there). We spent the week just kind of moving and not moving… huddled under a heated blanket, wandering Target and hanging out at home. I would have thought we would get more done, but those stupid electric blankets make being productive really freakin’ hard. So vacation is done now… I am ready for it and sad to have to set an alarm. I sure hope tomorrow morning my skin doesn’t hurt when I go to start my car… my face misses the warm.
Our week was pretty much two things: naps and noise. We woke up lateish and got ready slow… then burrowed in and watched Ellen (cheers to the lil girl who knew all the presidents), we talked about Justin Beiber and how he might have changed, we had movie night ALOT. In those naps maybe I got some extra energy for the weeks to come… maybe the sleep will last. Maybe, my other theory is true, my body feels me slow down or stop moving and says “Quick put her to sleep before she gets busy again”… probably that. So that part of me won this week.
I think some of those naps were compensating for the high energy of life and getting through all of this junk. I think it makes your whole self tired to think about divorce, anger, hurting, mad, sad and betrayal. I think it costs a lot even if it looks like it doesn’t. My brain is always on overdrive… though it doesn’t focus so much on timelines and past betrayal details… it thinks ahead to the complicated life my girls will have. I try to sort some of the complicated, to no avail. It is just a one day at a time thing…. anything beyond one day at a time is the wrong way to get through this. One day at a time, I need that reminder from my Soul friend ALL.OF.THE.TIME.
The noise this week was rough, probably it is the source of a lot of the tired too. I heard lots of chatter about girlfriends, divorce and babies. That chatter BAMMED me… it’s BAM is smaller than before. It was however very chatter-full in our house with little wonders, questions and innocent statements about their new family. What looks so fine to them hurts me inside. I would say in some of the chatter, just a few texts passed between him and I… and one phone call I realized how it felt to be treated small. I think I forgot this part… but one day at a time we get through and chug on and grow. I look forward to when the chatter hurts less… but for now this is reality, I must just feel it all and get myself to a better and higher spot than this. So out of the mouths of babes, as they say, come innocence and wonder… it is my job to respect their new and growing family. So this noise was enough to look forward to a day off tomorrow (well actually I have a lot of Maddie’s Mark work but… I will have some alone). I will be chatter-free for several hours and maybe my brain will sort out a little and I will make through another day… then another and another and another… life tends to move like that…