… now onto 33.

So it has been a week of being 33 years old and I have to say it feels a heck of a lot like 32… I don’t know if I expected it to be or feel different. I think no. I don’t think I will feel an age in a day, not a birthday anyway. I think the days in this life that make me feel an age, younger or older, are the important and amazing ones but also the really freaking hard ones. March 30, 2015 didn’t make me feel older or younger or any age really. I don’t know when I feel another age, I joke about the fact that I really feel about 55… not because 55 is a bad age, an old age or even an age I don’t want to be. I feel 55 because I feel that the life experiences that have been squashed into my 20’s and 30’s have really aged me. I never in my life thought I would be married, have three beautiful and unique daughters… that I would live in that crazy early motherhood life for YEARS of nursing, birthing, chasing, feeding and carrying, that way back then my marriage would be struck with it’s first really hard dishonesty… that when my daughter got to be school aged and entered Elementary School and be diagnosed with a brainstem tumor and leave us only 5 days later. I didn’t know then that we would start the Foundation that has shaped me, changed me, built me and helped my family. I didn’t know that Madeline would leave such a powerful legacy. I honestly could never imagine the depth of hurt I would experience as my marriage was ending and the struggles of trying to sort a lot of deep and painful truths and details.

Marriage, children, crazy life, death, building a Foundation… divorce and hurt. All things that seem to need more than approximately 8 years to squash into. So… you can understand my feeling of being older than I am, right? I think about 55 in life experiences… but only 33 in human years.

So… at 33 everything still works. In case I wasn’t sure I used a lot of myself this week… I got a good outside, sunny and warm run in and my hips are still connected. I worked and did a lot of work this week so my brain is doing just fine. I cooked a few good and healthy meals this week. I loved up on my chickens and we did lots of snuggling, movie watching, praying, dog walking and living… so that seems all good and healthy. I danced the weekend away last weekend with awesome friends and ate WAY too much and I am still kickin’ and failing Weight Watchers. All systems still go… so that is a plus.

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My birthday was FULL. I woke to my ladies and a normal morning… to a fancy homemade and decadent breakfast from a friend. Then a day of adventures and a table full of cards. My girls bought me thoughtful gifts and called up their sidekick (Miss ‘Waurel’) to plan dinner and birthday night. I got to hang with butterflies, try a new ‘very old’ Italian place for lunch and then do dinner with my girls and some favorites. One of my gifts in this journey, made me a very special gift… an Adirondack Chair. Made.just.for.me. God has put some amazing and special people in my life. I am grateful and honored… He takes good care of me. He sends me on adventure to make me grow, diversions to soften the hard stuff and sends in people to carry when the need is there. I am surrounded and loved. I am also worthy of that love. It is for ME… I give love and I am given love. It is a blessing to feel it and know it… all of the words, cards, calls, messages and gifts were love… I am blessed. I am blessed to be loved and know love.

My daughters and friends made my birthday. It was a bittersweet day, a hard day. It was a confusing day… my mind couldn’t really define what my heart was letting bug it. I am still not sure, I think it is everything. I think I missed all the missing, or maybe just missed a normal. I don’t know. I wore a heavy weight around all day… but there were light moments too. I tend to spend special days in a fog, but when I come out I know it won’t always be that way.

So another year older, a new one has begun… 33 will be another year, a different year. I will end it new and different. I will move and live and chug and run and grow and break and sing and dance, I will keep on breathing…

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