Seeing Beauty in the Midst of Anger

Something I wrote a while ago… and wanted to put out there.  This year the yard doesn’t look so awesome, but we are getting there…

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There is something amazing in putting all of your mad into something and seeing it look lovely after. It is the gift of hard work, I guess. Putting our negative energy into something else, something like mulching, planting and weeding is an instant turn around.

In May of 2014 I was struggling, hurting and broken. I had just found out many untruths about my now ex-husband and marriage. These were deep and hurtful betrayals. I still can’t believe that people can make choices so selfishly. After many conversations with my amazing counsellor and work inside myself I realized that I can not understand being unfaithful, being dishonest or being selfish because it isn’t me. My marriage was ending after many affairs, most of which involved people who were very close to me.

That May, I found myself in a new normal a single mom-ish with a house, my girls, my dog and an ex-husband. I was faced with a hot mess yard that needed raking and mulching and planting and mowing. It was overwhelming. I started that Memorial Day Weekend, with a goal of getting a tan and seeing progress. This was the first holiday that included sharing my girl’s custody with their dad, it was strange and lonely. I was mad and confused and tired… but I worked. I shoveled and loosened the mulch in the pile from the previous year. I filled my wheel barrel in the back yard and hauled it to the front yard to dump it over and over and over… weeding what I missed as I kept moving, kept transforming.

I started that weekend overwhelmed with an ugly yard, tired from a nasty and confusing life and angry about the disgusting state of my divorce. I was hurt by the people who betrayed me. I was mad that they COULD do these things. I was broken from all of the losses. I felt like I lost the ability to be naïve and young… like these actions made me much older. I would pull into my driveway and cringe at all the drab and icky grass and yard. Over that Memorial Day Weekend, last year, I used my shovel on that pile of mulch to let go of some of those things. Every single wheel barrel full of mulch was a step to something beautiful. Every time I wheeled the barrel back to the back yard I grabbed my shovel and put all of my mad into that mulch. I would slam my shovel into that pile and spout a bad word with one of the women that did this. I would empty my shovel and dig it right back in with a BAM… a bam of mad at my ex-husband for putting me in this sad spot. I would yell and wish those people crappy holidays or just that they someday said “I am sorry” and I would know they meant it. I would scoop up another shovelful and put all my might and mind into that scoop… like every shovelful was a moment I got to yell at them, that they were accountable for the pain I was stuck carrying. Every lift was a mad word or thought that I put into that bit of work. I dropped a lot of very.unkind.cuss.words that weekend, all.by.myself in my back yard… just letting it out.   I was emptying an area in my yard so I could grow some veggies and be a little more independent…. I like to feel and know I can do these thing ALL.BY.MYSELF. It has helped to build me… to be more me.

So I filled my weekend with work and beautifying and changing… and after swearing tons and working and sweating… the front was mulched. I planted lovely plants, I brought out the bright yard decorations. Suddenly my garden had pink and teapots and flags and painted rocks my girls decorated. In a way- what started as an angry and painful weekend, a weekend of missing my lovely ladies… a weekend of being very cognizant of all of my losses, betrayals and hurts and things that make me mad… turned into a weekend that I saw progress. I saw my ugly yard transform into a little oasis, mulched and decorated and comfortable. I saw myself become a little more independent with veggies to grow and enjoy with my girls. I saw my heart feel lighter… so much of my mad went into that mulch and planting and decorating and mowing and weeding… that ugly mad I carried was IN something that was so beautiful and real. It was a cleansing experience. Imagine if we could start putting our hard and mad into something that turns beautiful and simple… something that grows and changes. I have found an amazing way to find beauty and relief in the really hard stuff that life hands us… to create something that we can love and enjoy and relax in using energy that is so negative… creating beauty and life in the hard, mad and broken. I look back and see growth in that time, I see change- growth in my lovely yard and in myself… and growth is the key to healthy humans and plants.

 

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