Welcome today. The first ‘normal’ day of summer this year. We didn’t have to get up for work or school, only be at the Y for bootcamp. After getting the slow motion Musto off to the Y and out of her carseat… the girls were in daycare… and 100 pounds were lifted off my shoulders. I got to Christine’s class, the one I miss the most, and got to stretching and working hard… and coming just to the brink of death before taking a 30 second break. 30 seconds of trying to catch my breath and tell Betthany about life before another high intensity section started. I looked at the clock and prayed it would move faster, just in case my poor lungs failed on me when I needed them for duty. I watched myself and knew I was much weaker than last year, my endurance was not what it used to be… and I saw myself there just showing up and getting it done. I could have turned and hopped on an elliptical and sweat a crazy amount through my silly light blue shirt (note to self light blue shirts show ALL sweat)… I could have talked myself into a half an hour instead of an hour, no one would know anyway. I could have settled to stink a little less and work a little less, since my heart and lungs aren’t used to those crazy workouts.
I went in and I showed up. I saw my wobbly bits jumping and wished they were smaller. I saw my squats being very high… I really struggled with push ups and plank. My sweaty arms and palms were really enemies to my already weak core and shoulders- but I showed up.
I won’t stay weak. I see me as weak right now, as heavy and slow and weak. I know me, I know what I am capable of. I know the solid Erin that does not give up, she will finish a long run and shower and go on after some eggs and toast. She will trudge through a hill workout, even when she wants to quit after 2. She is here, she is just not loud enough or energetic enough to be seen right now. She is here. She will be visible and more solid soon. I will be back to that strong and solid and faster Erin. I miss her… she was rockin’.
Today was refreshing. I left the Y with a big smile on my face, hoping that the girls held of fighting for at least an hour. I felt like a bit of me that has been lost was back. I feel like I completed something I wasn’t sure I could still do. I got to catch up with my ladies and have some coffee (only a little spill) while my girls had some decaf with friends. For the first time in a while we went to Madeline’s spot and parked our sheet and sprawled out in the sun. Lucy told me I was a great pillow and the girls walked on my back to help get rid of some knots. It felt like a bit of the girls and I we have been missing was back. I didn’t feel all super connected to Madeline there, just connected to my girls in general. I felt like today was a great normal for us. We used to spend many days and hours travelling around doing errands and having picnics. We would end up at Maddie’s Spot for long times and lots of walks. It has been a while since that was the normal. It makes me happy to see our normal coming back…
Welcome back to normal. I am so glad, right now, I got a good boot camp in today. I know tomorrow I will be so freakin’ sore… but I am happy. I feel 10 steps closer to better and stronger and more me. I feel refreshed and beat up… but I love that kind of pain and push.