Learning to be scared, a little.

I love being a little scared.  It is the best feeling to be a little scared, or maybe even a lot scared and doing it anyway.  Yesterday was our Maddie’s Mark Softball Tournament…. and I asked a friend to set up a team- the ‘Best Team Ever’.  I wanted to participate and be a little… anonymous.

The ‘Best Team Ever’ was sponsored by the Schenectady Police and we had some rockin’ shirts… and a pretty awesome line up, if I do say so myself.  We were the BEST… or maybe we were the best at enjoying the day and laughing, trying and maybe there was a little bit of heckling.  It was an awesome day.

I was scared.  I woke up and was mad I didn’t get to the batting cages, seriously Erin.  In true Erin form I started thinking about and prepping for playing in the tournament the day before.  I sometimes take one day at a time to an extreme.  Honestly though, it has been one crazy pile of months.  Events ran into one another and there have been back to back best day ever’s.  This is amazing and crappy news… you would think less people needed these but that isn’t the case.  You would think that less children got stuck in crappy and hard circumstances, but this is another thought entirely.  It is freakin’ amazing that so many work to help families and children enjoy these days that are simple for them, planned and not part of the families much smaller budget.  People come golf, play softball, children opt for no birthday presents and many send kind donations all.the.time.  SO many step up to do the other work… the building, the calling, the planning and the running around.  It blows my mind.  So many, many awesome and different best day ever’s have been delivered and enjoyed.  Events have rocked… and I was TOO busy to practice (let’s be honest learn) softball.  So I felt scared.

I put my favorite compression capri’s on (my lucky marathon pair) and my ball cap and pretended I wasn’t scared.  I executed kind of confident Erin, right next to the one that begged the fast ones to pick up her slack.  I didn’t stink too bad.  I definitely did better catching, God didn’t make these legs for sprinting through fields and trying to place myself under a fast ball that may or may not bust my teeth.  All of the sudden I wasn’t scared.  I was laughing and part of a team.  I was doing my best with a stinky plastic and hot mask… thinking about how much my quads would kill in the am… feeling pretty damn good.  I felt really proud of the day and the accomplishment of doing something I always avoid and put myself down at.  I know that God didn’t make me for organized sports… I like the beer after.  I like the community.  I like the stories.  I like the killer leg workout.  I liked that I had a group of people who didn’t care if we won.  We let our kids go hit and be a part of it too.  Kids who are learning about best day ever’s, Madeline and service to families who need it.  Those are my favorite things.

So… what next?  What will I jump into and get a little scared and do anyway?  I have my eyes on sky diving, maybe learning to fly… who knows.  I just know how important it is to feel scared, be a little nervous and do it anyway.  I remember the feeling when I used to speak publically and the fear inside me.  I would go back to the word a very important person told me just after Madeline died… just keep being yourself.  Myself has changed since then, broken, stood, kneeled, fell, ran, changed and grown.  Myself likes the fear and the butterflies… I tell my girls it is very important to get a little scared and step outside of comfort.  I tell them to be open and vulnerable- that the best relationships and experiences come when we let ourselves be vulnerable.  It is hard to be scared and carry the nerves… but I know it has help build a much stronger me, a more open one… an Erin who lets go of wondering what people think and just keeps moving toward and building me.


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