Ten years ago today I was starting on a little honeymoon adventure; I was younger and naïve. I was in love and proud of the wedding we had hosted the day before. I was excited and scared for the next chapter. I tend to do that when big things happen, get excited and scared. Buying a car was a BIG scary commitment for me, I almost puked when we bought a house… marriage was like that; it was change. Ten years ago that day felt easy and it all came together well, minus the flooding and crazy amounts of rain, which is apparently not good luck. Our wedding was beautiful and full of people who loved us, our reception was elegant and very much how it was planned. Like most of our adventures it was full of unplanned craziness and things not going just right- but in a good story kind of way.
Every part of the wedding was planned and well organized- up until the end when I realized that Matthew and I didn’t have a ride home. I also was reminded that my sister drove away with my overnight bag and my parents with my only pair of shoes… so in pouring rain and no shoes we hitched a ride with our friend DD’s. We were of course pulled over on the Army base after some fully stories we made it back to our car… starving. Yes we had this amazing buffet and lots of food- only to have not eaten any of it. As per normal, by the time I was done talking to everyone the night was over and I had not eaten. So… Taco Bell it was. Then back to the hotel with its flooded elevator, my lack of shoes and no clothes but my wedding dress to crash and start our next adventure. That was the day I gave up the name I really loved, for one that totally didn’t match my Erin. I mean honestly Erin Wilson was the perfect name…
I was very proud to carry that name, though I missed my old name. I never quite felt like Mrs. Musto though, still don’t. I go by Miss Erin at school. It felt right to be married, to me. I felt secure and enjoyed having and starting a family. I will tell you- the fear I felt for having Madeline far surpassed that fear of buying a new car or house… becoming a parent is terrifying. There are no trade-in, no manuals, no promises of solid night of sleep, no more living for just you… it is a forever change. Having Madeline was more scary and harder than adding on to our family… She was the biggest change. Marriage felt normal… family felt normal.
We really made it to like 9ish, or 6 or 4, depending on where you define the end of marriage. I think Matthew clocked out of our marriage a long time before. I don’t see marriage as a ‘clockoutable’ sacrament. I see marriage as a promise to live and love and grow- and like them anyway. That you are not the person you were when you got married over and over in a life… so it’s like re-finding and growing and helping them build themselves. Naïve Erin saw marriage differently… but man o’ man this Erin is not naïve, sadly. I lost my naïve. I lost my young… I gained a lot though. I have kept the part of me that tried to see good in most. I have kept and built the part of me that trusts that people are kind and honest and good. I have not lost it, just built it better.
So… ten years later on September 17 I am drinking my coffee and typing away while my chicklets are at school reflecting. I am so freakin’ glad those girls are mine, all three. I am so proud of how far we have come, how we have grown. I love those chickens so.very.very.much. Those chickens could not be here is ten years ago I didn’t don my beautiful gown and take that next jump into this. I love this spot I am in. I am at peace with the loss of my marriage, grateful even. I am grateful for this story and this life and every bit of the joy and pain. I have much work to do on me, but I am happy. I love being here for my girls, I love getting them on the bus and getting them off. I love having this part of staying home and enjoying some coffee and quiet with my lil’ weiner dog and my laptop. Honestly, I am grateful for everything that brought me here. I am glad that this is what ten years later looks like… I can’t imagine it should be any other way.