I believe.

A few weeks ago I discovered a new song. Just as others I listen and listen over and over and let it really resonate in me. This new song is by one of my favorite singers, one that really touches on real human feelings. She doesn’t sing all big and brave, nor do her songs make me want to dance like Rihanna. I often connect to music to help me understand feelings. I liken it to writing and speaking or other ways to connect to a feeling and emotion, it is a way for my brain to hear another person going through the same things. Christina Perri can sing a feeling and a period in life so well. I remember clearly the first time I heard ‘Jar of Hearts’… I heard it in a moment that I didn’t just need it- I was in it. A song about a person trying to keep their ‘jar of hearts’ fit the time, it was during my ex-husband’s first affair when my youngest was very young. I felt that song, deeply. She sang the pain and the truth… the fighting with boundaries back then. It covered the naïve I had lost… the confusion of someone hurting you and wanting you back, like you were a collection. It touched something in me, I wish I were stronger after that song. Sometimes, I wish I had been stronger back then… but then again maybe we are right where we were supposed to be at this very moment…

She touched a nerve a couple years later with her song ‘Human’… a song the made me hear the words I felt- that I can only be so much. “But I’m only human, and I bleed when I fall down…” a song about doing everything, taking care of all the business… but knowing that I am only human, and I break too. I do love the hope in it, the part that she talks about being able to get through it… because I know, just as she does, that we get through it. It just feels freakin’ good to remind ourselves that we are ONLY HUMAN. We are not robots, we bleed and break… but we get to the other side…

The song lately that pings around in my brain is very different, the tune and the message. It basically tells the story I have written for so long… but in a much more beautiful way, as only a songwriter can do. Christina’s song ‘I Believe’ booms my heart every.single.time.I.hear.it. It is so honest. She writes and sings what I know… I love it. I wish God gifted me that, to sing my thoughts. I know the world would hear more if I could sing with a better voice, write my words so beautifully… what a gift she has. He song… resonates hope and holding on, it relates her pain and living… her strength. I love her boldness. “This is not the end of me, this is the beginning”… maybe a reminder- chin up, keep moving. We all have hard stuff, we are all a bit lost… but shouldn’t know… it’s a powerful song. I love how she talks about the fact that the darkness reminds us where light can be…”. Those are powerful words right there… to know that only in darkness can we REALLY understand and see light. How true is that? It isn’t all cliché, I promise. It is real. In the hardest and darkest days there are bits of light, those bits look bigger when shining in dark. Small bits of light, or gestures of love are bigger in the darkest moments.

This song might not resonate in you, music is like books and blogs and TED talks… to each their own. Connect when you do, learn when you don’t. I, in my heart feel so much when I hear Christina Perri, you may not. I love to hear what helps you, what you hear… what you love. I love to learn from other’s journeys and lessons…

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Back to the normal…

Such a strange combination of weeks I have had, maybe you have too. I think it has been everything… the weather dove right into winter, then spring popped up for a couple and now back to the BRR. Life felt a little flipity and floppy these past couple weeks, a product of coming down from the holidays and vacation and plans and fun. It is hard to start in the cold after the New Year… it is like coming down from something special and big and starting at low and boring. I think I had a moment of self awareness that Monday back to normal… realizing that I have a hard time regulating back to slower and less planned. I thought maybe this is that time that Laurel was telling me about, that time I am supposed to get all still and be more aware and feel more. I would have to say Monday was a failure for that, it was a YUCKY day, but it didn’t involve delving into the big hole I need to get in and out of more often. It was a wicked cold and grey day, the first day of eating better, working out more and not drinking (all of the stuff we overdue or forget about during the holiday season). I missed calories and carbs all.day.long. I sat sadly with my popcorn and seltzer and didn’t want to talk or write or anything. I was bummed at how much weight I gained and how I missed French fries (I don’t know how I gained this extra weight…). I think it was a lil bit of carb detox, you know that cleanse your body goes through when you start feeding it roasted veggies and salad and hard boiled eggs? On top of that it was a bit of a cruddy week in my boundaries, I was reminded once again how strong I need to keep my walls and how quickly a little gate can be opened and negative can sneak in… lies sneak in and look a lot like truth. I worked on my gate’s and replaced the loose stones in my wall and am chuggin’ along safer and smarter now. So all of that in a week… not just any week but the cold and gray one that started our New Year.

Thankfully we are all the way in the second week of January and there is so much to look forward to. I am zipping out of Albany for a couple weekends on trips down south. I can’t wait, though these are the times I wish I lived somewhere I could not look all pasty and pale… did you know there are places people live that don’t hurt your skin to walk to your car? Did you know in those places they also don’t have to warm up their cars- or clean off snow?!?!!? I thought I was a northerner… but I think in my old age I am getting colder. I am glad to have some warm and sunny days to look forward to. I am glad I feel stronger this week, I like when I feel stronger.

I sat many times last week to write, I have a lot to tell you all… but I felt all ‘if you don’t have something nice to say don’t say anything at all’. I felt like my keyboard didn’t have the medicine last week, but today is Monday and it is a fresh week… the keyboard is working right now. I am feeling more connected and more grounded with every key that my fingers press. I am glad it is today and not last week…

It is funny how time and weather and perspective and food and sleep can influence how a week can go, how a day can go. I might wake drained and not want to get out of bed, or jump up and start the day… or get bored with food and be annoyed… it is all a reminder to change places, views or meals and try to perk up… and when in doubt and it is cold and dark and gray burrow and watch a good show. I can’t wait to come home and eat my popcorn with seltzer and tea and watch Nurse Jackie later… one week and a new perspective. One week in and things are looking up and up and better and brighter… I can only imagine the brighter perspective after some southern exposure…

Things are not what they seem or we imagine…

Things are not what we imagined, believe in plan be… prepare for a fork in the road—right? This is what life is all about. I know the feeling, nothing has gone how I had planned it. The start of my story and so many other’s stories begins with them not choosing or imagining the outcome, so we are reminded that this is life. Life is a package that doesn’t open the way it is supposed to (ish)…

I met a couple new members of my family this week, they are colorful and comfortable and modern. I am impressed with the sole that they have. They are my kinda members. I am blessed.

My mom introduced me to these lovelies… and she will not regret it. She knew I needed them, or maybe they needed me. Who knows? I know they will be with me for a long time, well 6-10 months… they will in fact be with me for a long distance. They are here for the long run, I am grateful for that. I needed some amazing in my long run, as many of you do. I mean honestly who doesn’t need a little extra cushion in this crazy hectic life?

My parents thought I could use a little boost in my life… a little push and a healthy kick. I am so excited for these lovelies… I am sad that they might have gotten the wrong impression though. My amazing and spunky new members of my herd soooooo thought they were in for adventures. I am an adventurer, you see. I thought we would get back from home and enjoy some time on the pavement together. I was wrong. In true Northern New York fashion we were pummeled with a 45-55* temperature drop. We woke up on Monday morning to grey skies and wicked frigid temperatures. I walked Lucy to school and wondered why I live somewhere that it hurts my skin to do normal… but was reminded God made me for polar bear dips not southern beaches. My new friends are going to travel to some southern beaches soon, very soon. They are going to help me get a little less Polar Bear and more sand and bathing suit ready.

I feel like the agreement we have is broken though. I feel like they are disappointed in me… because of nature I can not take them to the cool places. I know Sunday we are going to do a McRittner Butt run together and I hope that makes up for it. I know it will hurt but these new friends are made for adventure. So my new Friends, my Brook’s, are long overdue for an outdoor adventure. They NEED a run…

I did manage to sneak them into the Y for a quickie today, only about 12 minutes to work for a mile today. I hope they appreciated it. I love them for it.

I wanted to share a bit of my adventures this week with you, even though it is cold and icky we are still working together and enjoying our time together.

 

Thank you mom and dad for the gift of miles and some rockin’ Brooks and the push to do it…