Life is a big mixture.

mixture

Thank God it is Saturday. I say that as I sit here with Pandora 2Cellos on… sipping coffee and doing my big to do list. What a freakin’ week, but next week will be better, I have a good feeling about this. Life is so heavy sometimes, and then somehow it gets lighter… or maybe I get stronger and start looking toward the brighter. Who knows…

Today I am working and prepping to head to Corning to hug my amazing friend… her dad went to heaven this week. He was an awesome man, funny and involved and loved his kids and grandkids. He was a super warm host when I ran my marathon and offered words of encouragement and stories of Corning. I learned most about him through his Cory, her bond and stories and closeness to her parents… her respect and funny stories from college and high school made me laugh when we talked. He was one of those Rockstar Grandpa’s that takes on the roles with his lovely bride when Cory and her Rich travelled. Seeing pictures of him with his grandson’s and travelling with his wife, would show that he loved this world. I also feel he knew he did it right, he lived. He lived even with all the hard stuff. He did the big stuff with his love and family, he enjoyed the days and he braved the times it really hurt. He left here having lived a life that we all should, content and loved. So today… I will take an adventure to Corning to hug his family and stand with them while they hurt. I will help them honor Jim for a gathering and service then a send off beer tasting, just as he would have loved. I hope God has a tasting station and sets Jim up with some pairing events. I know He’s got that part…

What a week… full of lessons, heavy, loss, scared and some light moments. It is always a mix… always will be and I am sure it always has been. Along with hard and heavy comes birth and life… as I saw in my feed I got a new cousin this week (so cute and fresh…), I worked with a bunch of pregnant women and talked about names and heard the tired and excited in their voices. I celebrated a birthday for an angel who should have turned 19 yesterday, but instead he has a legacy and a family here to carry him while he enjoyed calorie free cake in heaven with Madeline. I dealt with a mom that has tested my patience and reminded me that we can not always understand others, in fact we pretty much never can. We can control our own actions, keep our people safe and (damn those kind yoga people…) “Wish them well”. I know I am doing my job well, let’s hope that mom chooses to be a role model for her daughter to grow from. I pulled my very first tooth from Lucy’s mouth, I hated the sound… but her smile changed. I love seeing those moments mixed into this life… joy next to pain, hurt next to happy, sad laced with happy. Life is a mix…

The piece below is from Monday night… I am lighter and less tired today. I think I got stronger, or lighter… or whatever… but Monday doesn’t look or feel like Saturday… change is good..

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Some days are good, some days are bad and then there are those that just knock you down and drag you around…

Today was one of those knock you down, drag you around and then pull you through the muck kind of days. Today is a day I can’t wait for my messy head to hit my memory foam pillow. I think sometimes the hardest thing is only reacting for me, or mine… and remembering that others are responsible for their actions. The only person we can control is our own self, not others.

It is so hard getting to the end of a day sometimes. I think it can take everything in us. Parenting, friendship, work, responsibilities, sleep, living and thinking…. All take a lot out of us. I think I get caught sometimes, as we all do, in how much life can TAKE from us. I think sometimes I need to stop thinking of the TAKING and reflect on the parts that are giving and building…

Today was a Monday, not just any Monday but the one after a break. Today was the first day back for my amazing friends at school, but they were used to home and lack of schedule. It was a tiring day. My own girls had a hard time getting up and moving… I think we spent 20 minutes finding Lucy pants so she would get up and out of bed (I know I should be pushier, but she is a negative Nancy in the mornings). Meme was working out her own morning mad parts. It was altogether pretty nutty making it to the bus. I was thankful when Meme kissed me, listened to me tell her for the 100th morning in a row “put some chap stick on those lips” and then climbed the stairs onto her bus. I basically ran to my Jeep and picked up a coffee then got to work just in time to get one of my friends off the bus.

Lately life has been hard. I feel like my girls have been in a pile of transitions. I think in time they will be soooooooo good at transitioning and changing that all of this is worth it. In this present moment though it is a HUGE challenge. I have been working hard to follow through and give the right tools and support right along with the responsibility for our actions. Parenting is really hard.

When my girls were young I thought it was really hard, it was, but in retrospect it was such a different kind of hard. Life is now helping my girls with all the relationships and changes that life brings. I no longer get to pick their influences, instead it is my job to stand back and let them do that part. I have to let them live and grow and break and change and laugh and learn… it is so much harder. I used to be able to control their friendships… guide their reactions and if we didn’t get along with someone I just moved on and made that choice of letting go. This new now is not like this. I have to stand back and see my girls get hurt and react, see my girls learn lessons the hard way. You know what I have learned? It is harder to let your child break or learn… to hurt or be hurt… than it is to experience it all yourself. Damn parenthood…

Today I learned a lot about me… other than I cry a lot sometimes. I learned that it is imperative to help my daughter understand that we can only control our own actions, and that we must do our best. So I hope maybe we start mellowing out with all of these transitions.

Tomorrow is Tuesday. I hope it is a good Tuesday. You know the kind that end and you don’t just wish it were Friday. I think tomorrow will be a good Tuesday. My head will hit my memory foam pillow and my energy restored for another day in this crazy life. I hope the lessons we all learn are carried and help build each one of us better and stronger. I hope my girls know what a blessing they are to this world…

 

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