… this mornings epiphany

I woke this morning to a bit of clarity, maybe even a bit lighter. It has been a crazy whirlwind lately of rollercoasters. I would wake up thinking it would be better and it would instead be nutty and stressful. I have a good feeling that the issue we were having with another parent is done, at least for now. I went to bed last night so tired and drained. I had the day off but had to run errands and got stuck on the phone, I went all the way to the Y and fell asleep in the parking lot. I would have to say it was not my best workout the past week or so, but I am supposed to be kind to myself right?

I have been going to bed and waking up asking God and Madeline to help make these weeks easier. I would ask them to make this rollercoaster less bumpy and curvy and nauseating. I think I sounded a lot like this “Mads come on bubba, make this hill/mountain smaller… I am out of shape and need a training for this mountain… go easy on me”… and the day would progress and that damn mountain didn’t shrink. Some days I am pretty sure they made it rockier and steeper, but maybe I was just tired and complaining. I was pretty discouraged that God wasn’t making this easier, making this issue be resolved and for everything to be closer to normal. Even though He wasn’t delivering I was still asking and requesting a simpler path, a smoother rollercoaster. You would think something would give right?

This morning I woke up in my normal spot, snuggled with Lucy, with a clear thought that I was asking and requesting the wrong things. BOOM. CRAP. A segment from KLOVE popped into my brain, a pastor speaking about how in hard times we need to ask God for wisdom and strength. His little conversation on the radio talked about how when we ask for wisdom and strength God always delivers. I laid there in my warm bed thinking and processing. All these weeks of asking for a smaller mountain, a smoother ride and I was disappointed He didn’t take some of it off my shoulders, or maybe He did… I just felt overwhelmed by what I was handed- I was asking for the wrong things.

I laid in bed and felt my tired and stressed and basically begged for it to go away, for it to get easier. All the while He was giving me enough to get through, He was getting me to the next point more wise and stronger. My clear thought, my morning message, reminded me of a few things- I need to get through my mountains, complete my rollercoaster ride, I need to take my big pile and ask for the strength and wisdom to trudge through.  I need to trust that God knows what I need to do this. Every day I make it through whatever the rollercoaster was, some days frazzled and stressed, others calm and happy. I am reminded that I can do hard things, we all can.

Life is a compilation of hard things. We can do hard things. I think life is more colorful with all the hard things, getting through the hard things make us see the amazing better, struggle makes us stronger and more compassionate. Hard stuff helps us grow and see the world for all the amazing and broken that is in it. I need to remember that in struggle and suffering the best and most amazing moments. God knows I can make it through all of these days, these rollercoasters. I need to refocus and talk to God about what I need to get through… not to make it easier.

Madeline is my joy, my daughters are my joy. Motherhood gives me strength. Raising my girls, losing my daughter and living without her brings much suffering and pain. Right next to that pain and suffering and struggle is my joy and my strength. As time moves on I  have my joy- and need more strength and wisdom and growth to get to the next spot. I need to remember to ask for that, not for ease and smooth… not for simpler and less painful- He knows I can do this. He knows we all can. I don’t know how we do, how we keep moving and living and growing and breathing with all the hard and suffering and struggle, but maybe He is the how. I know for me I will take this morning’s message and carry it with me, in my heart and brain and soul so I can keep waking up in my comfy bed and putting my feet on my cold floor and getting up. I will ask for the wisdom to get to the next thing, the next place I am supposed to be. As per normal talkative Erin I will start asking for the right things and maybe, just maybe, I will start noticing before He bonks me in the head with clarity…

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