Practice. I think practice is the best thing to call life every.single.morning. What would our days, lives and world be like if we woke each day, put our feet on the floor, stated our intentions and started our daily practice of life (with that intention in our minds through the day)? If we practiced life a little more… and maybe did a little more work on directing our thoughts to our intentions… maybe it would make the universe a little less scary, since it is going to rollercoaster us anyway.

Recently I got myself back to practicing yoga, a favorite term since it is so true. I have been trying and practicing pigeon pose for 5 years… I am still not good at it, my hips will not get lower. A couple weeks ago I got to practice yoga with the first person I really enjoyed taking yoga from. When I met Elex and was introduced to her power core class I was hesitant about the part of yoga that isn’t a work out. I had taken some classes before and it was very good stretching and it was quiet. It was a far cry from my boot camp and urban adventure obsession, and seemed to help me stretch my tightness from running. That was all it was to me. I thought little about setting intentions, really relaxing, being more mindful and hearing the words that were spoken through the hour of practice. I thought about my to-do list as I did downward dog and what to make for dinner while attempting chatterunga… I really just got to the end and grabbed my girls from daycare and went on my merry way.

I went to my first class with Elex as a gift from a boot camp instructor, a yoga and wine night. In that night I felt different, even before the wine. I felt calmer, quieter and I heard words that meant a lot to me at that very moment. In the weeks or months leading up to that class I had learned that my now ex-husband was having an affair with a friend. I felt broken and fat and old and boring. I looked at me, I looked inside of me for the reason. I wondered often if I was pretty enough, or if I had been skinnier… maybe I should have had a grown up job… I felt in me that it was somehow my fault- that I was not enough. That night, in a lovely loft, practicing very hard yoga with amazing and strong women… Elex said that I was enough. She said we are all here in the exact moment we should be. She told me I don’t need to be more, that I am enough. She adjusted my shoulders and child’s pose… and I felt calm and safe. I felt her words. I left that night and just felt a bit of empowerment and a reminder that I am enough. I started to understand that the affair wasn’t really about me…

A couple weeks ago Elex came to a fundraiser for Maddie’s Mark, she helped us host a yoga event at a friend’s loft. When I saw her I felt that comfort and bond from way back. She is like that, warm and loving and true and honest. I mean I super respect her, she has triplets and is calm and kind and loving. I hugged her and soon after she started. I was of course in the front, but I think sometimes it’s nice not looking at everyone else’s butts. Her words hit me again. That day the intentions were directed to me or from me… she told the room about Madeline and her impact on her heart and soul. She asked that the room send me energy or set the intention to gain strength from me. Do you know what it is like to be in a room full of 30+ people sending you energy and light or asking for your strength? It is entirely humbling to have people look at you as a strong one… I don’t see myself that way. I see me as me, a chugger and a liver… I see my normal as hard but pretty amazing. I don’t really feel strong most of the time, I feel tired or overworked… but I just get through. I think it is what we do, keep moving. Anywho, I was sitting ready for yoga and all these amazing people were sending me light and love and energy, some were asking for strength… and I felt amazing. I felt like I was supposed to be in this very spot. I felt that Madeline sent me a little hug, the kind she can send since she can’t wrap her arms around me and smoosh a big wet one on my cheek. Elex gifted me that morning, a gift of energy, light and perspective. I felt grateful and loved. I also loved when she told us how effing hard it was to hold plank that long… she has a great sense of humor…

After yogaing Elex and I were talking and she told me she had this appointment for shiatsu that she couldn’t make. She offered it to me and told me that it is life changing and that the therapist is the best. I took her up and penciled in one of those self-care moments that I need to do more. I went today for a shiatsu massage, expecting a Japanese massage with hitting like the movies. I got to the office and ran from my jeep (I was running on Erin time)… rushed in and was greeted by calm. I took my shoes off and did my best to relax. Somehow it was easier than normal today, or maybe she expected less relax from me. Either way I laid down and flipped when told to do so… I felt comfortable and warm in her room. She got right to work on my pressure points and my whole self. She talked some and asked about life and stress. I talked a little about my body and hurt and anger. I told her that I feel a lot of anger toward a person who recently moved. I told her a bit of the backstory for this woman and her role in my girls lives. I have wanted to yell at her and get my mad of my chest, but she runs away from everything. She asked me if I write, I told her often, and that I have written her a letter (which she never let me know she read). She moved away. I keep carrying mad at her and him, and it is almost like a physical weight I carry. This past year I gained a bunch of pounds… those pounds are mad and angry and hurt. We talked about the work to clear those pounds… but honestly we talked about letting go of that mad, that it is power for people who are not good. She looked at me and said “I have an image of protection”… you are carrying your anger and stress and mad as protection. She told me I am safe. I am enough. I need to let go of that heavy crappy armor and move forward. She told me many times I am safe and enough in those moments of massage. I felt it. I know she was right. I need to let go… in fact I need to practice letting go. I need to get rid of this heavy and hurting. I need to lessen the power that those people have had on me, they don’t deserve it and I don’t need it. I need to get lighter, in a lot of aspects. We talked about practicing, I think this word works well for my brain. I am going to practice moving on, letting go, setting intentions and getting to my strong self. I will fail, my muscles will give up and I will look silly in some poses… but I will get there. I will get right to the spot I am supposed to be in…

I am grateful. Today I set my intention to self care and feeling like me again. I need to get back to Erin… the Erin that loves herself as much as she loves others. I need to get back to Erin who cares for herself… and knows that she is enough. I want to get lighter and brighter and softer and more me. I want to live and breathe and move and love and grow and cry and feel… I want to empower me, not give my power away.



2 thoughts on “namaste.

  1. I love your blog, and hope you get back to believing that you are enough. Do you mind sharing the name of the massage therapist?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s