Sometimes I wonder how I am still moving and living, how it is possible that so much time has passed. When I had Madeline I never imagined my world wouldn’t include her. I am an odd person, beyond being weird, I love odd numbers. I don’t like symmetry, but instead I love balance. Three is a well-balanced number and for me it was doable. In a world where so many hang out and enjoy just 2 kiddos I had my one extra, my balance. I envisioned my matching set of chicks with polka dot outfits, probably for far longer than they would have let me dress them that way. I saw three girls in my rear view mirror, often times fighting or giggling over the music. I thought about the years of prom shopping, complaining about 3 girls and those semiformal dresses… hoping that they didn’t get invited to too many crazy sweet 16’s or proms. I looked forward to seeing what kind of people my 3 ladies would be, how God would use their differences and special gifts to do a job in this world. I used to imagine sports games and running around picking up and dropping off… a time when playdates morphed into slumber parties and hanging with friends. I knew that the 3rd would put me over in some ways but felt supremely blessed for my crazy balanced set.
I sit and wonder how so many seasons have passed with no Madeline. It is hard to comprehend that time has moved, that we are a set of less and we still get by. I see my little set of chicks grow and I feel the lacking 33.3333% of my balance. In 20 years I will feel this same missing, it is like a stopped story in life. Our stories continue but Madeline’s book was short, I just get to carry the finished book with me for the rest of my time here. Even with this book, I wonder how I can keep living just holding that book and seeing my little set of chicks grow and change and write their books.
I was cleaning my house, garage and yard this week, while the world was travelling I parked it and took care of the life and home that take a beating when my life is crazy. I listen to music pretty much always when I clean or write. Right now, on this rainy morning I am listening to 2cellos Pandora, but cleaning needs Jason Aldean. A song popped on that I had never heard by Jason and I stopped to listen to it. He sings about not saying goodbye but instead “See you when I see you, another place some other time… we’ll laugh about the old days, catch up on the new… God made this whole world round and maybe it’s that way so the paths we go down will cross again someday… and I hope it’s someday real soon.”
It got me really thinking about how I am still here and moving and living and laughing. This morning in my clear and wonderful looking front yard there was a cardinal that wouldn’t leave. It was such a bright red, and the girls were watching this bird for long time with me. Many days a little moment or memory will pop into my head and I will feel her. I know that I will see her when I see her, another place some other time. I look forward to catching up and talking about the good old days, when I had 3 crazy little Musto chicks… we can laugh about the normal and the funny. I am sure Madeline will remember things I don’t and we can share them, and I can claim that is not how it happened (I think that is what mom’s do when we get old). I take comfort in the fact that God made this world round and that our paths will not only cross but we will travel together. I know Madeline is right here on this journey, her book is written but she isn’t gone.
I remember when she died people would say things like “She is in the breeze and the flowers…” I would think about how corny that is, how it isn’t like that, not for me. She is in moments, she is in experiences and she is on my shoulder (Lucy told me). The wind blows, the world turns… every raindrop isn’t from her, every breeze isn’t Mads. I know that she is with us, surrounds us. I look forward to putting down this book I carry on my journey and SEEING her again. I just can’t wait to hug her, a big freakin’ super hug. I want to hear her froggy giggle and see her blond hair and perfect dreamy part.
I think I live on because I know I will see her when I see her. I know she is riding along on this journey, even if I can not hug her or give her an eskimo kiss. She is here. Someday I will hop on the path she is on and we will be together again. How have we made it this far with our smaller family? I believe it is knowing she is here, knowing that February 8, 2012 it was not goodbye, it was for now… maybe just maybe that is how we are still here.
I love you beauty bug, I miss you more than I know how to write or say or feel. I carry your book with me, helping your sisters keep writing theirs. It hurts like crazy, but I know someday I will see you when I see you.