Finding Fit.

Lately I have been in a bit of a downward spiral… you know the kind that you are mad at yourself for being less healthy and your ankle for being sore… so you eat more or grab onion rings to top off that icky self-anger. Hence the spiral… feel bad about being in this spot, eat more and make the spot harder to leave… be mad I ate bad and mad I missed the Y and be self-destructive in my choices after. It doesn’t make sense, but I do it anyway. I think lots of us do, so I guess I don’t feel so lonely in this. I am working hard to get out of this spiral- to leave it behind and just move forward and get healthier.

I don’t normally see myself as a heavy person, just a solid one. So I am discouraged when I look in the mirror and see myself so heavy. I think it is a product of the heavy of the past couple years catching up, maybe mixed with lots of fun nights out or take out instead of cooking. The year after Madeline died I swear I forgot how to cook, because thankfully dinnertime would come and there was something amazing (usually Italian and loaded with cheese) in the cooler. I am grateful for that, since my brain often forgot dinner. Then a semblance of normal came and I cooked (and thankfully like riding a bicycle it came back). I feel like it is a rollercoaster of normal and messy… and I seem to fail hard in the messy times. I would ALWAYS rather go out to dinner for chicken parm and wine, always. I would ALWAYS choose nachos and a big Blue Moon over a night in with no kids. I need to commit to much less of that, to making myself be home. I am committing to cooking and prepping and eating healthy, not giving into the easy. I really am.

I used to be fit. I mean like very fit. I was not skinny at all, but I could run 26.2 miles or 18.12 miles and still be alive (albeit a little dehydrated and sore). I trained and pushed and ran, I made myself do it alone and with friends. I set goals for myself and I achieved them. I did boot camp and spin and yoga and kickboxing… anything to be across the board fit. I felt good about me. I was strong, pretty and committed. I miss that. I miss the feeling of doing a quick 5 and getting on with the day, of that salty feeling after a good run on a hot day. I miss the way it felt to get up a big hill, pushing and trying to not slow down at all. I miss the conversations with my ladies, the brain cleaning we did. I miss how strong I felt. I need to find her again, that strong Erin… the one the tackles Grant Hill and then continues for another few miles shedding the weight of life with a friend or two. I miss the power I felt when I pushed myself harder and did speed work, even though I hated it. I will find her again…

I know that we are all our own worst enemies, we just are. We let ourselves down all.of.the.time. I feel tired and mad and weak, but I need to work out of the spiral and use that tired/mad/weak to push harder for old me. I need to be kind to myself when I fail. This is a hard one for me. I remember the morning I was due for a 21 miler and we were on vacation on Pillar Point. I had mapped out the route and planned to leave very early in the morning. I got up and stood in the road; it was pitch black. There are no street lights in the country… but I moved on. I was scared by deer snorting as they walked by in the dark to get water from the lake. Finally the sun came up and it was beautiful… the chill went away and I kept moving. I got into my good breathing and chugging. I came across a memorial for a beautiful girl and stood there. I felt a pile of sadness for that family… and I cried. I could not catch my breath well after that, I struggled mentally to continue… scared I couldn’t finish. I called Matt and had him pick me up. I made it 17 miles that day, 17 whole miles and I chalked it up to none. I was so mad at myself that I failed on the 21 that I repeated the next weekend and pretended those 17 didn’t happen. I think back to that Erin who could freakin’ run 17+ miles and I want to smack her. I want to tell her to be kind to herself… but I just have to learn from it. I have to remember that 40 and 50 and 60 year old me want to look back and be proud I was kind to myself- and that I kept my body fit. They totally want me to use sunscreen all.the.time and floss 2 times a day. I know, I know… they are asking a lot. I need to get myself more fit and more me so that those older Erin’s are proud of me. I want them to be all excited that my skin is nice and firm and that my teeth don’t need dental work. They want me to move and run and stay active so that older Erin can do that as well…

I don’t know about you, but I tend to think big too soon. I know I can run a marathon, I know I am mad I am not in that place… but I want to start with workouts that marathoners are doing. It is silly. So I am kind of starting over… setting my goals smaller so I don’t fail every day. The other day, with my injured ankle I did a new elliptical workout, one with sprints and intervals. It was awesome and pushed me to follow the directions and keep myself accountable. I got to the end and saw that on the elliptical I completed a 5k in under 34 minutes. I did that same distance in 33 minutes today. I am so relieved that I can do a 5k that I keep pushing to do it better. I imagine committing and moving and pushing will get me to a place that my 5k is better and my body is more fit. For today, I jumped off the machine, trying not to puke feeling VERY glad I could tackle a 5k… just a 5k.

just me3

In this journey I try to keep a good sense of humor and understanding that nothing ever works out as planned. God is a big fan of plans B, C, D and Y. My cousin set me up with a Bitmoji (a little person who looks like cartoon me who says funny things and such that I can text to people). I decided to make mine honest, even though she is a bit lumpy. I love this little app, it is cute and creative. I do however look forward to getting more fit right along with my Bitmoji. I can’t wait until she is less lumpy…

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2 thoughts on “Finding Fit.

  1. Love this. So hard to break that vicious cycle. Too tired. Too busy. Too many excuses. Maks’ would have been 1 last Friday and here I am still carrying baby weight. For Mia and him I need to start making the healthy choices and move forward. One step at a time. One day at a time. Thanks for the inspiration mama!!!

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