Anger is armor.

It’s been a long few years, with a lot of life squashed into a relatively small amount of time. Sometimes it can all be so heavy, but mostly I feel like I have let go of the heavy. I have done a lot of letting go, a lot of forgiving and seeing what I can change- which is me and my reactions. In fact I tell myself regularly that the only thing I can control is my own self and my own reaction to a situation. This summer I feel like I allowed myself to let go of many things, I didn’t overfill my time with crazy fun or take on too many projects… I just kind of sat in it all.   Some days I could almost feel the send off and the lightening in my spirit. I felt myself handing this angry off…

Anger is heavy. It is expensive in life, and it rarely gives way to positive. When we use anger as our compass our lives are laced with many more challenges and hurdles. Anger is a feeling that needs to be felt, but it should not overtake our life and energy. I let myself be mad for a long time. Honestly, I sit now and feel grateful for all those things that made me so mad, so angry. I am content and happy, I am lighter and more me. If it all didn’t happen the way that it did, I wouldn’t get to be in this very spot. Sometimes, I need to let myself feel some mad or sad or disappointed- but I am generally done with it. I am don’t with the mad, I released the anger.

I have been reflecting lately though about some differences in my ability to not feel some of those insecure bits. I let myself feel anxiety or pressure from others, in doing so I am listening to the condescending remarks and soul breakers. Sometimes I am believing them about me. I am hearing and internalizing things that make me feel little. I get so mad at myself for this, I think about how far I have come and how I have built myself. I began to feel that it would be easier to just be angry again. I thought about my firm boundaries when I have anger to help enforce them.

This morning my thoughts FINALLY came together and made sense. I love when that happens. Anger makes great armor. Anger makes fences stronger, makes our shell harder to poke and hurt. In letting go of anger I let go of my armor, my safe zone. I am left to build me differently, to firm up those boundaries with my own self worth, my own confidence and knowledge. I need to strengthen my fence and my shell with just me, no anger no mad. I have spent the last few months giving away my sword and my chain meal… I have handed my battle gear to The Big Guy. I am standing in this spot, pretty exposed and slightly naked. I need to reclothe myself…

In this I know that what I build must keep that anger out of my boundaries… but it must build me stronger so I can brush off the menial stuff. I want to build my fence in self worth and love and confidence… in truth and genuine. I want to stand clad in my new self armor stronger and empowered. I need to build up new armor, or maybe just a shield to deflect those hurts that are hard to hear.

I do know that today I had a mini epiphany, the eye opener kind. I can look and see growth and failure, but it is all a good thing. Seeing it helps me do it better… I like this slightly naked not-really-angry me. She has let go of those people and their choices knowing that she can do it better… she can live well.

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