Gone…

Gone is September, a time spent with almost endless opportunities to talk about Madeline and Gold and cancer and change. Here we are in October, still here. I woke up this morning, made toast and fed our Zoo of pets and got the girls onto that big yellow bus that I love… then got a nice workout in and ran errands. It is just October. Today is just a normal day, you know a life goes on kind of day…

Life goes on. Life moves. The world spins all.the.time as we lap the sun and soon a year goes by. In a year there are all those jobs and tasks in the normal- make coffee, clean the kitchen, put the kids on the bus, feed the dog, run errands, make dinner… normal world stuff. To most this crazy effed up world is normal, the spinning and changing and growing and orbiting and moving. I still am shocked that it moves, that it spins, that one more year will just keep passing by. Earth has lapped the sun almost 5 times since I last felt her… 5 years have almost flown and slugged by. Crazy isn’t it?

How did this world continue without that lovely dimple, the smile and giggle of my chick… how does 5th grade still happen if she is not in it? How does it work still to eat a family dinner when our family is so small? How does the bus come and not sit and wait for her, wait for her like it waits for Amelia as she skips down the road? How do we keep acquiring adventures and changes- when she isn’t here to see and feel and try with us?

I guess the answer is that the bus driver doesn’t even know to wait for her, 5th grade doesn’t even know who they are missing without her… our table feels empty but we still must eat dinner and check in on days… and what is life with no adventures. We still must explore and learn and live without her. I know it is that we are living FOR her, exploring FOR her, learning FOR her… we are moving FOR her. I know this. I tell myself this over and over… then I forget and wonder.

She is gone. She is not an earth dweller, a human. She is no longer here for adventures, skinned knees, lectures about strangers, pushing to do spelling homework and get to dance class on time. She doesn’t need to eat dinner with us, I don’t even have to force her to eat her broccoli or to eat her salad too. She doesn’t need to catch a bus or go to school or stay after for band. She is not here anymore, not for our normal.

I would give anything for her to be here, but that isn’t the plan. She is gone, gone but not forgotten. I can’t say it feels better to know that many here her story, many carry her with them… but it helps her missing not feel so empty. Standing in so many groups in September and talking about her… all of her, her life, her laugh, her spirit- not just her cancer. It helps me feel and know she is here, doing her job. She isn’t gone, gone… I just can’t hug her or make her breakfast and get her ready for school. My job is different. I am here to take care of my girls that are here and take care of Madeline in the only way I can anymore, with memories, words, work and sharing. So I work, live, move, grow, change… all because life keeps moving and the world keeps spinning and years keep going by…

madeline

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