Be lovely, do amazing. That is what I say and think regularly. I fail often, but I try. I try to take care of me and do important and good things. I feel like my mantra is still true in the person I have become through all of these difficulties and challenges. I remember when those words came to me, I know I needed them big back then. I need them now, but I am built differently now. I don’t know exactly how to explain it, but I don’t need that reassurance as often. I might be stronger or more mature… maybe I love my own self more, I don’t know. I do know that in recent months I have added a little extra to that mantra, to that little builder. I.am.a.grown.ass.woman.
I try to start each day with my 4 word mantra, right after the ‘thank you, thank you, thank you’ prayer. I mean before I can be lovely or do amazing; I better thank The One that gifted me just one more day and moment to keep being lovely and doing amazing. In recent months I have tacked onto those important daily routines and acknowledgements “I.am.a.grown.ass.woman”. I think I forget that often in this life of growing up. I never consider myself a grown up.
I always looked at the future as the time I would ‘grow up’… but I know I had a different vision of a ‘grown up’ back then. I saw growing up as becoming successful, wearing business clothes or maybe wearing Danskos and scrubs while helping patients… I saw it as being able to buy fancy coats and shopping at Macy’s or Lord and Taylor. I have never considered myself a grown up. It could be a deep part of my insecurities in myself, I am sure it is. I was always waiting to be a ‘grown up’… like it is someone I can just wake up and be someday.
I.am.a.grown.ass.woman. I am… mostly. I know I am, but I also see my self shrink to a smaller and less important me more often than I wish. I remind myself of who I am, what I love, where I am in life… I tell myself I.am.a.grown.ass.woman. I am told by my favorite’s that I am just that. My counsellor might even use those exact.same.words. I know this about me, but I fail. I try, but I fail. I still wake up and remind myself. I encounter others who feel like me, who let people talk to them like they are small… I tell them YOU.ARE.A.GROWN.ASS.WOMAN. I tell them what I know, but I fail sometimes to believe it in me. I am trying…
A few months ago I sat in my car as I got yelled because I was late for something. I let myself sit and hear someone talk to me like I was little and small and unimportant. I never should have. It isn’t good for me, and it crosses boundaries that I have worked so hard to maintain. It isn’t weird for me to get reprimanded, but I am working on my reaction or allowance of it happening to me. I need to hang up, walk away and control what happens better. I know this. That night after getting yelled at I felt weak and heavy… I called my Laurel and she said “Erin you are a grown ass woman”… write it down, repeat it. I was reminded to hang up and not take that energy. I have been trying. I am in a better place, I feel, after reminding myself of this mantra.
I look at what I want my girls to do in this situation. I don’t want them to shrink and take those words to heart. I don’t want them to be damaged and broken… so I am trying EVEN harder. I want them to see me as a grown.ass.woman. I want them to grow up and be amazing, strong grown.ass.women.
I see other woman and girls take that junk… from friends, coworkers, boyfriends, parents and spouses. Let’s try to train our brain to say “I am a Grown ASS Woman”… I can stand up and I can control this situation. Who knows, maybe we should fake it ‘til we make it. I do know that is never okay or good for us to let ourselves hear those words, feel those feelings or open ourselves to that energy.
So, stand up. Repeat after me “I am a Grown ASS Woman”… I got this. I can be firm and strong and me. I don’t need to open myself up to another’s words if they are just meant to hurt me or make me feel small. I don’t need to let myself break more… I need to build me better.
I am a Grown Ass Woman, I bet you are as well. You know who you are, you know the people and the words and the feelings… you know how that breaking down feels. You sit and let yourself hear that negative energy on the phone or read them in texts… Stand up lovely, you got this.