Merry and Bright…

I woke up today and said to Lucy “Do you think Santa came?”… even in her deep sleep after 8am her eyes popped open and she looked like a fast zombie as she scurried off the bed and down the stairs. In true Lucy form she wanted to be the official ‘first awake’ person. She eyed all of the stockings, one for each of us and our creatures… in our Musto Zoo. She snuck a peek into the hissing cockroach stocking and laughed when she saw Santa brought oranges. The Fiddler Crabs and fish got new décor for their habitats and the rats new chew toys. Once she had thoroughly touched and looked at the presents before Meme woke up, I heard the door open and the dogs appeared. Let Christmas Morning begin…

Coffee and phone calls, stockings, a visit from Uncle Nathan and breakfast… then we sat together and the girls opened up their gifts. I just love sitting in my living room with our little tree and all the gold glow from our red curtains, lights, snuggly blankets and cinnamon candles. I love our tiny tree that I accidentally cut too short. It is quite cute and pudgy… a perfect imperfect tree. It is full of ornaments, kind of a scrapbook of our lives. Preschool, trips, friends, photos, angels… it is like a beautiful 3d scrapbook that I look at and see memories and stories. We sat and opened gifts, the girls thought of the most beautiful things and Santa brought me a new jacket, because I tend to leave things… and my coat disappeared a few weeks ago. He was so thoughtful, He even wrote me a note that said “Be more careful with your coat this time”.

My dad couldn’t make it this year, so Rick did a great job standing in as Santa. He even bought me a lovely Pandora ring, a little bow, because he remembered I loved it. It has been a simply perfect and warm Christmas.

My house smells great, we are trading in turkey and mashed potatoes for the best chicken parm and eggplant parm ever. Amelia just made Jesus’s Birthday Cake, I hope He likes Thin Mint cake. Aunt Molly is out searching for Lucy’s helicopter, which accidentally took a ride into a neighbor’s yard… I am sure she will find the missing Nerf bullets as she searches. We have been to Stewart’s like 3 times already… and our friend Jen will be here for dinner soon. We are pretty blessed.

I scrolled through Facebook and saw some of the momma’s that have joined this club through the years and just this year. I felt it then, but I have the gift of time. I have my supreme missing but I have spent 5 years missing and living and celebrating and breaking and building. Opening presents without her is really hard, but I can feel some of the magic that I couldn’t back then. I know she is with us, right here in this warm and golden living room. I remember the missing and unfilled feeling a few years ago- it is different now. It has some magic, less empty. The voids from before are a little more full. My friend posted her birth announcement last Christmas, standing in the kitchen super excited for the sister her boys would have. This Christmas her lovely is with Madeline, her journey wasn’t like ours. It reminded me of that open wound, that lack of magic… the time spent ‘going through the motions’… and I want to tell her it will be different. She is here, she will always be… just not the same way as her brothers. It will never feel great to have to miss her, I know- but it will feel different.

Madeline is my Ornament, my Angel and my purpose. She sits on my shoulder and gifts me light to keep going and growing and filling and living.

Merry Christmas to all… enjoy your blessings. I am grateful for all of mine, for my Meme that loves to run the show and my Lucy who is on an adventure to find her helicopter (lost 10 minutes in)… my Madeline who I wouldn’t change a bit of. I am grateful for the time she was here, I wouldn’t trade her for a different version who got a different story. She is ours. I am grateful for my sister for being here and bringing her doggies… so today would have lots of loud barks, silly dog issues and a bit of my family. I am grateful for My Mr. Rick… he is the most kind man that has even entered my world. He is a great gift in this. I am grateful for all of it… my family, friends, herd and supporters. Merry Christmas… be blessed and feel it all. The blessing in the pain and joy.

Happy Birthday Jesus. Thank you for saving us…


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