Today I don’t feel it all, today I didn’t spend all day thinking about where and what we were doing. A little bit of me feels mad at myself. I talked to Madeline’s teacher and many others and I could tell that this day was weighing on them- as anniversaries tend to. I just walked on… I focused on the chaos of the day and trying to find that simple order that is so easy for me to find working at school. It can be a busy jumble of a day, but those are the days I love. I keep reminding myself to let myself be fine and present and not dwell… that it is ok not to sit in it all right now. I should know from experience that it will ALWAYS catch up to me, it will always be there to sit in.
After a crazy day with all of my friends and fellow teachers, I get to grab Lucy. I love seeing her walk down the hallway. She has a swagger, a LucyWalk. Lucy can lighten my heart so quickly, it is her gift. We wandered out holding hands as she told me about the slowest animal and how she wants to do Jessie Owens for her wax museum project. It was a bit of simple order in the pile of chaos…
We picked up Amelia from band and talked about her science fair project. She begged me for a panini from Brown Bag and we planned out the night for Odyssey of the Mind work. Home brought a plethora of normal- homework, snack, laundry, dog out… back packs away. I really want to burrow and watch TV as the freezing rain plops onto the house.
I sit here right now, in this pile of normalcy, doing what we do on Tuesday nights. I know what it will be when I take a seat for the night, when I let myself delve in.
5 freaking years… almost as long as Madeline lived here with us. Crazy. There have been so many Tuesday’s and weekends and celebrations and normal and chaotic inside that 5 years. This year will be different for me, Madeline’s anniversary of heading to Heaven falls on a Wednesday night. The ladies will be with their dad tomorrow… and I will be left to find something for me. I try to put myself in those ‘good spots to be’… and so I am getting a massage and lunch with a friend… maybe a pedicure. I will try to just be in those good spots to be, surrounded when I need. My family is celebrating Madeline back home, so I know she will be right there with them.
It is surreal that 5 years have gone by… at the same moment those days and moments and hours all combined feel like 100 years. It is weird that 100 years could be squished into only 5… time is a funny thing.
I always say that I will miss her, until I don’t have to anymore. It is how life works, we are here until we are not. There will come a day when I no longer have to miss Madeline, that I will see her and be with her. I like to think she will have a super hug and a butterfly kiss for me… I will swoop her up and feel her again. I love life, I love Earth, I love my gifts… I see them all- but when the times comes I am done missing her, I am done with the chaos and normal of this world. I will be on to the next… but there is so much life to live here, until there isn’t.
5 years ago my lovely left us here to miss her, she knew we could handle it. Life is a series of handling it… living and missing, laughing and crying, running and sitting, celebrating and breaking… all of it. She left us here with big jobs… more than just handling it, she wants us to change it.
Do something wonderful and kind and simple and compassionate today, tomorrow, Saturday… next week, a year from now. She wants you all to handle it too, she knows we can. Go out there, in the chaos and create some simple order- handle it in memory of her.