This side of 35

It doesn’t really look different on this side of 35, I don’t know what I thought it would look like.  It is funny how I can pin a day or goal and then it comes and it feels pretty much the same as before.  It isn’t a bad thing, it just of emphasizes the importance of being present in every day.

I can’t say I was super excited for my Birthday this year.  I didn’t really rock out my Birthday month like I normally do.  It really didn’t have anything to do with being all annoyed with turning 35.  Honestly, I treat age a privilege not grated to some.  Wrinkles and laugh lines are a gift that comes with having more time.  To have lots of birthday candles means a longer life to experience more- more family, more adventures, more of all of it.  I think it had more to do with March being such a dark month, one with extra snow and lack of sun.  It was a cold March…

There was a lot of loss this month.  I know that every joy fills my bank and every loss costs something.  It is hard to put on a party hat and rock out a day that celebrates getting older today.  Maybe it is just this March but I am sad that Madeline never gets laugh lines and wrinkles and a chance to turn 16 or 20 or 40.  I am sad that many other lovelies don’t either.

I have to say though 35 feels pretty fine, an awful lot like 34 and 33.  I imagine it feels like 36 and 41, only with less adventures, wrinkles, joy and loss.  I liken it to the mileage I was so looking forward to on my Jeep- 150,000 miles.  I got excited at 130,000 and giddy at 140,000.  I was excited that she is still kicking with me- travelling on adventures, driving my girls all over and still pumping Taylor and Adele for our long drives.  She is paid off and has a rockin’ new set of tires.  I kept watching the odometer as it neared 150,000 and was on my way to visit my friend Jackie.  I freakin’ missed it, the turnover point.  I looked down at 150,001.  I felt oddly not excited, like 150,000 wasn’t really a big deal, just a thing I looked forward to and it wasn’t as big a deal as I thought.  So maybe 150,001 feels a heck of a lot like 149,980…

I am grateful to be 35, that is the best way to describe today.  I am thankful my time, for my girls, my life, my family, my Rick, my herd and my wrinkles.  I have a wonderful life, it is full beyond the brim.  God sends the best people to connect and be woven into my fabric.  I have a lot of missing, but I also know that those I miss are not far away.

This morning my girls came in excited and telling me to stay in the bathroom.  I walked into the kitchen to a super thoughtful gift with the cutest, kindest tiny cards.  I could tell they thought of me when they shopped with their dad, I am grateful we have a relationship that honors each other in this part.  I am snuggled in watching Moana right now, waiting to go to Church School.  I love my girls, all of them.  I miss Madeline like mad crazy but I see her in so much.  I know that someday I will be out of here, hanging with Madeline in heaven.  I will be enjoying cake and bagels in a place where calories don’t count.  There is no missing in heaven, no crying and grieving, that is for us left here.  I was 29 when Madeline died… and I have made it to 35, I am sure God has many more birthdays for me to celebrate ageing here on Earth.  I will celebrate my wrinkles, my adventures, my gifts and my time while I get to.

Today I am grateful for every smile and kiss my girls gave me, every hug my students gave me, every bit of steak I enjoyed with Sir, every word I got to read on my phone, every ‘Happy Birthday’.  It is an important day, I know.  It is a special day right next to all the heavy, even if I didn’t get my taste of a light and airy and bright month.  I love being 35, wrinkling and ageing… I do it for Madeline- and Devon, Ana, Tyler, Onja Rose, Myles, Ryan, Elijah, Kenzie, Kara Mia, Peter, Tabitha, Jillian, Naomi… and more.  I will let myself have a year that I don’t feel all ‘party like;, but watch out next year world…………………


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