Sunday/Mother’s Day

 

I am not going to lie, today I feel pretty low, heavy and sad.  I woke up this way, in fact I woke up several times feeling this way- I even felt this blah sad feeling before bed.  I am trying all my strategies to stay up and not let the heavy feeling ruin the day my girls planned for me.  I worked out, took a walk, showered and went to Target… I smiled and ate my lovely eggs in bed, I let Lucy massage my feet even though they were freezing and I ate salad made by 2 girls I love a ton.  I am trying…

I don’t really know what the specific trigger is, just that today I miss Madeline.  I wish I lived closer to my sisters so we could have an afternoon of craziness with little ones and one who has a permit.  I see trios of lovelies with their mommas and know that the days of that are over for me.  It’s just us… just my itty bitty family.  I love that they have their trios, their full families.  I know their lives aren’t perfect, I love seeing those mommas being spoiled and cared for.  I love seeing husbands thank their wives for all the building we do, for all the sacrifices we make as moms and parents.  I am so happy to see others happy, I am just sad in my own corner.

I just miss her.

I miss seeing her in the midst of a birthday party celebrating her baby Lucy.  I miss making her costumes and planning her birthday.  I miss the way she smiled at me and the way she loved me.  I always felt like Madeline heard me, like she listened.  I miss that today I only got 2 lovely cards… I wonder what kind of card she would have drawn for me.  Madeline told me over and over her Kindergarten year that when it was Mother’s Day she would make me breakfast in bed, thankfully her sisters have always done that. 

Today is about being a mom and honoring other moms… in my world being a mom means missing a third of the ones who made me a mom.  I am forever grateful for the time and honor of parenting her and my girls.  I feel like I got the coolest and most unique set of girls God ever made- I am sure you feel that about yours.  I am trying to redirect my brain and heart to smile today, to not be sad and not be mad.  My girls deserve my attention and smiles…

It is hard to do all of this, it is hard to live without. 

Today I keep chugging, keep moving.  I keep redirecting my brain to a path that helps me remember good and positive.  I will keep smiling and thanking my girls, and reminding them to not make a mess or stop fighting.  I think I finally get my mom’s request for ‘5 well behaved children’… I used to tell her we wanted to get her something we could buy, that gift is impossible.  Now I get it…

So for now… I get through a Sunday, an important one- but one that is hitting me hard this year.  I will get to bedtime and sleep and tomorrow will be Monday.  I am enjoying the girl’s plan for the day- minus their choice of dinner (all things they like…) and I am grateful to be their mom and help build them as they build me.  I can’t discredit my sad, my missing… it is just here for the day.  My missing part is a part of the deal… part of the time moving on gig. 

I can’t go under it, I can’t go over it… I just have to go through it.

 **************************************************************************************

Happy Mother’s Day to the mommas I know and love… for all that you have taught me and for how you have helped build me into a mom for my girls.  Happy Sunday for those who just need a day of the week… Chin up, bedtime is coming, and tomorrow is a new day.

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