Hopping back in time…

The thing is… I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook flashbacks.  I love them so much, but they hurt so much.  I sat outside in the sun skimming through people status and beyond… and I time hopped.  My shoulders were enjoying the sunlight, my ears were rocking out to Mumford and Son’s Pandora and I was loosely watching my girls play baseball together.  Did you know on this day 7 years ago…

I didn’t.

What a confusing gift going back in time is.  The pride and love and excitement of that moment, way back when.  I can remember what we were wearing and carrying my camera and a Lucy for these events.  So long ago…

Somedays I just skim past those memories, others I check them out and smile… today I saw where I was only 7 years ago and my heart hurt and my eyes let go of some pent up tears.  This is the time of year, the crazy time… field days, concerts, recitals, baseball, travelling, weddings and family parties… it is the best crazy time of year.  We watch our children grow and see them succeed and advance.  It is a good and exhausting time for parents.  I love it.  It hurts.  So is life…

I imagined my life as one with 3 girls, maybe even more.  I only have 2 Musto Chicks to build now… and I am mostly here doing my job and loving what I have.  Mostly. 

7 years ago Madeline was graduating from MOPS and Preschool… I remember those milestones and the  days they happened.  They don’t seem so far away… but look at my life.  Those moments are a million moments from this very spot.  I can still see her smiling as I took her picture, with her folder and her black and white dress.  She was so proud.  I remember Madeline being so excited to grow and get to the next step…. She was, honestly, 15 years beyond her age.  My lovely was an old soul. 

timehop

Tonight that Facebook Time hop poked me in the heart and knocked me back to a mom missing her lovely.  I miss the days of having lots of girls who needed me to guide them and build them… and feed them.  I miss making cool snacks and doing little crafts… the days of toddler’s are gone from here.  I miss her… I miss it all.  I don’t regret the crazy or the tired or the exhausted, I don’t regret wishing some of it away…. But I look back at my three girls snuggled in one bed, my Madeline pretending to drive her sisters on the couch and I can still hear her voice as she sang to her sisters.  I miss 7 years ago today. 

If it could ever happen, I would return to this day back then.  I would go through it all the same, but keep my eyes open and take it in better.  I would memorize it.

A mom I met after Madeline was sick told me this… her daughter had been sick for years and she journeyed with her.  Jenny told me that in the time her Ila was sick she memorized her.  I only wish I had been better at memorizing her.  Jenny has every piece of skin and look of Ila, every smile and her voice are in her brain.

I have a love/hate relationship with Time hop. 

What were you doing 7 years ago today????

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