As grown as she got to be…

she is lovely

On November 5, 2011 Madeline asked me to curl her hair. I took a picture and put it on Facebook, a way for my family and friends to see how much she had grown. I remember looking at that picture and sending it to my sisters, in awe of how mature she looked. I remember thinking that I had the 3 most beautiful girls, even if I was biased. We were all healthy and growing. There was broken in my marriage but at this point life was pretty good and normal.

I can see the timeline now… you know the saying hindsight’s 20/20. Halloween, Amelia’s birthday, afternoons getting dark before dinner and watching Ellen with Madeline after the bus brought her home. A couple weeks after this picture was Thanksgiving, my sister’s all came and we celebrated our own little Thanksgiving. Madeline has a mysterious fever, but over enjoyed the weekend. I remember calling our Pediatrician and he of course told us fevers are a good thing, don’t worry. I didn’t worry. I never really worried, I still don’t. That weekend with my sisters is the first time I can recall any symptoms developing, I think this time is when Madeline’s DIPG started to do it’s evil work.

This picture is pretty much exactly how much Madeline got to be grown… how much maturity she was allowed to achieve. This moment, that popped up on my Facebook, I can feel… I can go right back to it. I can hear her giggle as I took her picture. I can go back. That moment in history was one of the last moments that DIPG hadn’t started to steal Madeline…

It is surreal to me still that it can be 2017 and she is not here… that I only got 5 tiny years to feel her skin and hear her heartbeat. We don’t get to go back, we just get to keep moving along this life. That makes it hard, but when we can dive into a moment in history and feel it, see it- almost touch it… that is a gift. I see her peers grow and post pictures of sports and choir… slumber parties and adventures- I always so happy to see those kids grow and be happy… but there will forever be a pinch of sad in my heart. A pinch for inches she didn’t grow, the adventures she missed and the 11 year old that she never got to be. She is and will be my forever 5 year old lovely, and this image will forever be one of the last moments that DIPG didn’t start taking her.

Madeline and her cardigans… all buttoned up just perfectly. Her neat style and perfect hair, partnered with that dimple… I will forever miss that chick. I will forever dive into those memories, those frozen moments and time. That shirt and sweater are what Madeline is wearing still, with her perfect twinkle toes and her Hello Kitty head band. She is forever just as this picture shows…

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