Silence is hard. It is hard to maintain, hard to feel comfortable and hard tackle all those things that need silence to process. Silence wasn’t always hard, or maybe I never let myself ‘stay’ in the silence. I still avoid it… all of these years later and I know what the silence holds.
I worry and think other moms who have to sit in the silence. Recently I have thought a lot about Christine, Devin’s mom, and how important and impossible the silence is. How hard it is to come by in those years in the beginning when we are driven to create and honor. The silence comes… it always does. I teeter on warning other moms or is it better for them to find and sit in their silence.
The silence hurts. Avoidance does a good job of keeping the pain away for a time, but silence just like grief will always catch up. It will be right there ready for you to ‘sit’ in it and feel all the things that are waiting for you to tackle.
One afternoon recently I was really tired and sore after work, so I took a bath. I filled up the tub, grabbed a towel and put Pandora on my speaker. I got into the tub and finally I felt warm, right about that moment I realized that I left my book and cell phone on the counter in the bathroom. I could see them but I wasn’t going grab them, I shrugged to myself and told myself I would just be present instead of reading away. I sunk my head into the water and just listened… I love how you can hear your heart so well under water. My mind wandered, and I started to think about and worry about a mom who just lost her son, and her silence. I brought my head up out of the water and enjoyed the music. Mumford and Sons Pandora is pretty great for the soul. Taking a bath with music, just enough noise to not feel too much.
The music stopped.
I looked at my phone on the counter, and knew I wasn’t going to grab it to fix it. I just sat there and realized I was just thrown into the silence…
It was like God was telling me “You worry about others, but you still rarely visit the silence… Here it is”. I sat there and told myself that my job right now is to sit in the silence…
I stayed in the silence.
The music started, right where it left off. It was as if God paused my Pandora to remind me of the importance of that silence.
In the silence I feel the things I can’t feel in this loud world. I feel the missing… not the surface missing I feel when I am busy living and moving forward. In the silence I can feel the pain of those 6th graders doing all that she should be, the hurt I feel knowing that once again Madeline will only get one gift for Christmas… the hurt of missing her. In the silence is the sorting through the pain… that big pile of pain. When I am in the silence I see how much sorting I have to do… how much pain needs to be touched and felt.
I think of other moms, and some are probably so much better than me at sitting and working in their silence. It is something I must work on. I still worry and wonder and feel for those moms… for I know. I know the silence, the pain. I know how this goes, at least 5 years in.
I need to make room for more silence… and make more room for sorting. I was reminded of this, maybe He gave me a clear sign. I still hurt and worry for those other mommas… and I feel for their work in the silence. Grief is beautiful and ugly. Time is beautiful and ugly. Life is beautiful and ugly.
So I sit more in the silence…