Easter is different to me now, it is profound and emotional and powerful. I have always loved Easter, the big family dinners, traditions and spring. I thought I really understood that Jesus saved us, that He was made to give up His life so we could go to heaven.
It took my daughter dying for me to really ‘get it’. Easter is not the same anymore. I am grateful in a way that I am not grateful for anything else on these holy days. I feel emotional when I speak about Good Friday or watch The Passion of Christ. I never felt that part before. I never reflected on the pain in that day… the pain of Jesus and the pain of Mary.
Jesus keep walking, with a crown of thorns, a heavy cross, a bloody ripped up back and people spitting on Him. He kept going, to the end of his time here. His pain didn’t stop at the cross… it had only just begun. Imagine… He was physically nailed to a cross and people watched Him suffer, no one saved Him. They watched him… like He was a show, a point to be made.
Mary had to watch this. God chose her for this role, could she have ever imagined what it would feel like? I feel a strong connection to Mary, to her loss. I am grateful my daughter didn’t suffer like Jesus did, no one spit on her and put her down… no one made her hurt more. Madeline was not nailed to a cross… yet the pain I feel is immense. I can only imagine what Mary went through, how that made her suffer and question her faith. Yet she kept walking, she kept moving, she kept walking. In all of her pain she kept going…
I feel so thankful that Jesus fulfilled His painful and profound ending… so that He could welcome my lovely and so many others to a place that they are saved, loved and waiting for us. Gratitude isn’t enough, I just don’t know a better word. I sat in Mass today and all of the songs and messages make me cry. I don’t cry often, it just isn’t something my body does readily. I stood in the front of the Mass holding Amelia’s hand, knowing that I was in the exact spot I needed to be in at that moment. Listening to the Gospel and the lovely little girl singing… I just felt immense emotion. Those darn tears snuck out… but it was a good feeling. I miss my lovely, but I can’t change that. I can’t bring her back, only bring her along. I must keep walking with my own cross, my own pain.
I imagine Easter would be the most special day with her, but today is special. I am excited to host Rick’s family… with food and fun and candles for our lovely children who now live with Jesus. I imagine Madeline and Devon will be hanging around with us as we enjoy a feast and treats… I imagine that just like Jesus they keep walking, keep coming home and stay right near us.
Thank you Big Guy ❤ for the gift of Jesus’ resurrection… for building us to keep walking and moving and most of all for keeping my daughter safe. We will keep walking, keep carrying our cross and building this world to know You more.