A Birthday, a benefit and a baby shower

…because that’s just how life works. At anyone time all of it is happening- celebrating life, birth, graduations, anniversaries, marriages… right next to it someone is fighting for their life, their rights, their marriage or their families. Life is a full-blown mix of all of those things…

In a room of celebration, there is probably a layer of pain sitting right under that joy. While we celebrate the amazing and joyful, the experiences and losses are right there. I remember clearly that when Madeline died, a friend delivered a fresh and perfect baby boy within hours of God welcoming Madeline home. Life is like that- a full blown, hot mess mix of love and hurt and joy and broken and crap… so much that in one day you can go from planting veggie plants to a benefit for a young father fighting for his life to a baby shower to home to enjoy your own lovely daughter who turns 9 today… to a rescued bumble bee that now has a new home. Life.

I am sitting here, with a beautiful breeze and some sunlight hanging out in my yard, thinking about all of it. I get to celebrate my Lucy with her perfect freckles, hazel eyes and playful spirit- I feel grateful for every ounce of her. I wish I could be like Lucy sometimes, she is mellow and smart. She loves to play and leaves the games she loses with a shrug of her shoulders and a “I had fun mom”. She is easy and kind and wears her socks inside out and argues with me about how often to shower. She does the strangest things, and when asked why she did it she replies “I don’t know, I just wanted to see what would happen”. I love that about her… I sometimes just wonder what her brain is thinking when it impulsively sprays purple hairspray all over the toilet seat. I sit and see her play on her big a special day… and I wonder why she has had to go through what she has. I remind myself, that we don’t get to pick the crap, the hard. She is growing and becoming a pretty amazing person- even with her big pile of crap.

I am a little sad tonight… that my home is full of so few people. I wish my girls had a big table of siblings like I did. I wish they had a room full of cousins to enjoy days like today with. Instead it is just me and my girls- 2/3 of them anyway. I guess my job is to make this home a place they love and it’s okay that it’s small. I guess I should remember and welcome all the creatures they bring in, maybe those are our extras. Tonight, we dine with an injured bumble bee- and “mom if he passes we are going to study him with a microscope, because we want to know what he looks like but don’t want him to die.” I will make the Lucy Feast- Hotdogs, Mac and Cheese, corn on the cob and Pringles… all of her favorites. We will eat some cupcakes and I guess the plus is there are many left over cupcakes for tomorrow- which we wouldn’t have if there were lots of Musto’s here. I guess we should look to the positives and enjoy the bits.

Always look to the positives and enjoy the little bits, they matter. In life joy will ALWAYS ride next to the pain, loss will ALWAYS ride next to birth. It is the way. We need to honor that part, feel it all and love the celebrations and the light. Life will have the next hard thing soon, so enjoy the babies, birthdays, recitals, graduations, best days ever… so that when the hard stuff comes- the loss, the broken, the grief, the pain, the sickness… you can keep chuggin’, keep grabbing on to your Rock- for the next amazing thing is coming.

Cheers to the birthdays, benefits and babies. The grand mix. Thank you, Big Guy, my Rock, for being there when the waters were high and painting the most beautiful sunsets. Thank you for it all…

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