I hope you dance…

On Saturday we got to attend Amelia’s Dance Recital, a day she had been preparing for since September. I was excited all week, reading and rereading the list and times for the event, making sure my brain wouldn’t mix up times or forget to have her pack extra bobby pins. It was really exciting because my parents got to come watch her dance, a treat since they live hours away. It was a good day… we got some pictures in front of our tree, loaded into the Jeep and headed off to Voorheesville.

In January I remember sitting and watching Amelia dance through the window into her studio, and hearing the song over and over. She would start to get tighter while I watched so I tried not to make her nervous often. The song they chose for her lyrical class was a powerful song, one that has become a bit of an anthem for me these past years. The song not only evoked powerful emotion while I watched, it reminded me that He wants me to more than hear those words. He sent the most beautiful reminder… my dancer telling the story of these years, reminding me in the most beautiful way that He’s got this, He is right there and that maybe our hardest parts of life are mercies. Imagine your lovely, in a soft gold flowy gown, gracefully dancing across a stage to Laura Story “Blessings”…

“When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win, we know, the pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our home…” This is not our home. Reminding us that this place is temporary, this pain is temporary, the joy is temporary… to gracefully dance through it is a gift. I felt such joy watching her dance… what an honor to be her mom, to get to raise her and build her. She is one of my biggest blessings- and in all the rain and storms I am grateful, in all of the turmoil and hard moments parenting I am grateful… in moments watching her do what she loves and share her gift I am grateful, I am joyful. Joy is one I don’t feel so often, so when I do, I store it and love it and keep it and reflect on it and embrace it.

I really loved her dance program this year, The King’s Dancers, a Christian based dance program. I loved the music and costumes and the inclusive nature of the program. The recital opened up with “You Say” a beautiful and powerful song that has mainstreamed. They mixed 2 versions- the soft version with ballerinas, and the edgier version the hip hop dancers took the stage. It was an awesome way to start the show and set your brain to enjoy. There were dancers of many different abilities and needs who got to share their gifts with the audience. As I watched a lovely woman named Grace dance, I wondered if her parents knew God made her to dance when they named her. Grace has down syndrome and is a dancer, you could see it is in her soul to dance, and to share her gift. Watching her dance in a ballet piece and flow across the stage, hip hopping later to a fast song, and tapping with the biggest personality. I had the crying emotion that comes when you are smiling really big, I imagine it looks pretty funny to see that face… the one that is crying from the connection and emotion, and smiling because it is so beautiful and cute and happy. Emotions are funny like that…

I got to my seat and realized when I was watching the show, that in all of my planning all of my packing… I had water bottles, almonds and cheese sticks, extra lipstick… I forgot to bring tissues. I would sit through all of those practice classes and watch Amelia through the window and have a little tear, and Lucy would laugh at me and remind me that I cry soooo much. I should have been prepared for that, but instead I tried to discreetly wipe them and move along. I remember a time when I barely cried… I used to cry at weddings, at the moment when you just felt so happy and excited for the couple getting married… a little bit of tear would fall, but it was excited and happy tears, usually I was standing next to my now ex-husband. I don’t cry at weddings anymore… I am sure those emotions are all mixed up and messy- and I am usually thinking I hope they work really hard and know that that marriage gig is hard. Instead of crying I send little thoughts of hope that they just keep working.

I think crying is different for me now, it is a mix of emotions. I usually don’t just get super sad and cry, occasionally. I cry when I watch my girls do what they love and what God made them to do- and those tears are happy/sad tears. Those tears contain excitement and joy- laced with pain and missing. Every bit of growing they do is without her… my forever 5-year-old. God is good though… He sends little reminders and moments that remind me “What is your blessings come through raindrops, what is your healing comes through tears, what if a 1000 sleepless nights are what it takes to know your near… what is trials of this life are your mercies in disguise…”

 

Amelia- always dance. I am so proud of you and the person you are becoming. You are beautiful. You are kind. You are strong. Choose to dance gracefully on stage and in your life… it’s hard lovely but there is love in the hard. You are my love in the hard… you are my grace, my mercy… you are all I have never deserved. I hope you dance…

 

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