Thirteen. A magical age when one enters the first level of adulthood, in the minds of anyone under the age of thirteen. I remember looking forward to turning 13, like things would really change. In my mind, like the snap of fingers it would all make sense and these next few years would be simple. I was on the brink of something big, something really profound. I was 13 and in love with Garth Brooks, oversized tee shirts and FHA… and let me tell you nothing got easier, especially fitting in. Life is like that… imagine one thing and learn that nothing we imagine happens how we imagine it.

Fast forward through many awkward years, college, Matthew, marriage and Albany… to June 25, 2006. We welcomed the most perfect 9-pound 6-ounce baby girl- Madeline Elizabeth Musto to this crazy brutiful world. We welcomed her with a blissful ignorance of time, the notion that she would be here until long after we left. That is the way we welcome fresh humans, with the blind love and knowledge that we will spend the rest of our lives loving and living in a world with them. What is the alternative, though? The alternative is so very sad, so not blissful and unaware. I quite miss that blissful ignorance, that gift that comes with fresh humans, that and the smell of a fresh baby’s head as you rest them on your chest and sway and bop…

I should be kissing my 13-year old’s forehead as I head out to work, maybe she would come with me and help in her old teacher’s classroom. I should be arranging a party or experience for teens, something that involved a bit of independence and a pile of trust… maybe even a treat of Starbucks and pedicures. I imagine she would be tall and have the best smile, accented with her big dimple. I imagine her teeth would fill her grin and that would be backed up with that infectious giggle- a little deep and rumbly, with a squeak here and there. I should be guiding her to new adventures, through friendship issues and difficult choices. I should be planning a trip to the lake, and setting up to remake the sunset picture with the 3 girls…

The alternative is so very sad. I should be… but the alternative is so very sad. The alternative is messaging many friends and family a birthday plan for June 25, 2019. The alternative is deciding to do it a little different this year, this year of disorder, to go to the beach and then gather a pile of important people in my back yard and celebrate the sacred space around my table- with pizza and cake. I thought about a party at her spot, but decided to do what Madeline loved… sunshine, sand, friends, pizza, backyard fun and best nights ever- the simple kind. What I wouldn’t give to throw a 13-year old’s birthday… to buy silly expensive Starbucks, fancy pedicures and maybe Hibachi with friends… what I wouldn’t give to have the alternative.

I miss her.

I wish I got to hug her today, to brush her hair off her face and tell her not to be a butthead. I wish I got to turn on Pandora and get her to dance with me in our little kitchen. I wish I got enjoy my 13-year-old on her birthday, celebrating the blissful and unaware state I got to live in way back when…

Today- go out there and do something kind. Every little kind thing counts. Assess your time, your family. Life is crazy, don’t waste it being busy. Say no to something today, with no guilt or fear, just say no and enjoy your time. This is a tough one… imagine what you want your child to be when they grow up… and know that some don’t get to grow up. Everyone loves sports and commitments, but are those sports and commitments building your family or stealing joy from your family. Do not put off time with your family, and be more aware of how you spend it. That is what I ask of you all today. Do a kind thing and remind yourself to raise your perfectly exceptionally mediocre kids and teens to be really good human beings that is all that matters… Madeline was the most special, simple and compassionate human being, bring her along today.


Happy Birthday lovely… enjoy the cake up there in heaven.  Miss you like crazy, but I know you are right here riding along with us Musto Chicks reminding me of the speed limit, telling Meme to be quiet and snuggling Lucy…

One thought on “Thirteen.

  1. happy birthday to your Madeline, how lucky you were to have had each other, though for way too short a time. she is clearly still in the hearts and mind of all she touched during her very short time her, and that will continue forever. it sounds like the perfect way to celebrate this very special day in her honor ❤


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